10) Robin always smokes in the batcave
9) Moustaches, especially Commissioner Gordon's
8) When kids draw boobs on the bat symbol light
7) Police Officers always get free donuts, Batmen get jack shit
6) When Alfred calls him "Master Bruce" when he's in costume
5) Superman's "Super" farts
4) When the Riddler calls and asks if his refrigerator is running
3) Every time someone calls Batgirl hot, not realizing she's his daughter
2) When he gets an itch underneath the Batsuit
1) Most Bat Groupies are in their 40's
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Television Pilots
Here are some new TV show concepts that No Mustard Only is really jazzed about
The Garies (ABC)
In a world where the "sleep 'n shark" is a popular vacation activity (the sleep n' shark is kind of like a bed and breakfast, only customers are given a nice bedroom room on a boat, and an opportunity to get into a cage and go scuba diving with sharks), the Gary brothers (played by Gary Sinise and Gary Busey), from Gary, Indiana, decide to open their own sleep 'n shark with a twist -- called the "Fart 'n Shark" As put by Busey's character, Gary (that's right, Gary Gary) "the 'Fart 'n Shark' is to sleep 'n sharks what fast food is to restaurants." And the Fart 'n Shark is an underwater hotel that requires a submarine to deliver customers to their rooms. The series will be a drama that focuses primarily on the Gary family and their business.
The Best Cooker (Bravo)
The Best Cooker is an elimination style cooking competition in the same vain as Top Chef. In this competition, the contestants are faced with challenges that require preparation of store-bought pre-packaged meals using only the ingredients supplied in the package, or called for in the directions written on the package. For example, the first challenge is to prepare a box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese using only a pot of boiling water, milk, butter and the ingredients in the box... Good Luck! The show gets a lot of character from the pompous judges who are always yelling at contestants with comments like "this Hot Pocket has too much salt," or "This P.F. Chang's frozen Mongolian beef and broccoli meal needs more pepper," when the contestants are not allowed to use salt or pepper. When a final loser is determined, the judges tell the booted contestant to "go ahead and get all your shit and get out of here."
2 Gay Guys (CBS)
The network bills this show as "the same kind of show as two and a half men." The premise is simple: a homosexual couple lives together in a San Francisco apartment, and are constantly engaged in raunchy, obvious jokes, mostly aimed at how much the characters like to have gay sex - both with each other and other men. In addition to the low-brow humor, the show tries to tackle deeper issues, such as whether it is better to have the bigger penis in a gay relationship, or get to enjoy your partner's larger penis.
WWJD (Fox)
After a botched Apocalypse, the second coming of Jesus Christ is stuck on Earth without anybody knowing his true identity. After generating some identification paperwork, Christ lands a job as a technician in the audio department for the WWJD radio station in Dubuque, Iowa. But when a microphone screw-up causes a conversation between Christ and a depressed co-worker to be accidentally broadcast on-air, ratings explode and the radio station offers Christ his own call-in-advice talk show. In the call-in talk show, Christ doles out advice on the morally correct way to act. We soon find out that the advice Christ doles out on-air is sometimes inconsistent with the way he actually acts. The show explores the complicated question, what would Jesus really do.
Silence is Golden (HBO)
A show about a deaf family that cannot speak. The entire show is in sign-language, designed for the niche-market of deaf people. Though groundbreaking and acclaimed by critics, the show doesn't get huge ratings show because no one can understand it, but HBO can afford to keep the show on for several seasons because it is cheap to make. After season one, the show is offered with "open captioning" which is kind of the opposite of closed captioning, I suppose, letting regular people be able to watch the show. The premise of the show is that the deaf family works as hit men for the mob and have to kill someone in each episode. There is a lot of sex and nudity.
The Garies (ABC)
In a world where the "sleep 'n shark" is a popular vacation activity (the sleep n' shark is kind of like a bed and breakfast, only customers are given a nice bedroom room on a boat, and an opportunity to get into a cage and go scuba diving with sharks), the Gary brothers (played by Gary Sinise and Gary Busey), from Gary, Indiana, decide to open their own sleep 'n shark with a twist -- called the "Fart 'n Shark" As put by Busey's character, Gary (that's right, Gary Gary) "the 'Fart 'n Shark' is to sleep 'n sharks what fast food is to restaurants." And the Fart 'n Shark is an underwater hotel that requires a submarine to deliver customers to their rooms. The series will be a drama that focuses primarily on the Gary family and their business.
The Best Cooker (Bravo)
The Best Cooker is an elimination style cooking competition in the same vain as Top Chef. In this competition, the contestants are faced with challenges that require preparation of store-bought pre-packaged meals using only the ingredients supplied in the package, or called for in the directions written on the package. For example, the first challenge is to prepare a box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese using only a pot of boiling water, milk, butter and the ingredients in the box... Good Luck! The show gets a lot of character from the pompous judges who are always yelling at contestants with comments like "this Hot Pocket has too much salt," or "This P.F. Chang's frozen Mongolian beef and broccoli meal needs more pepper," when the contestants are not allowed to use salt or pepper. When a final loser is determined, the judges tell the booted contestant to "go ahead and get all your shit and get out of here."
2 Gay Guys (CBS)
The network bills this show as "the same kind of show as two and a half men." The premise is simple: a homosexual couple lives together in a San Francisco apartment, and are constantly engaged in raunchy, obvious jokes, mostly aimed at how much the characters like to have gay sex - both with each other and other men. In addition to the low-brow humor, the show tries to tackle deeper issues, such as whether it is better to have the bigger penis in a gay relationship, or get to enjoy your partner's larger penis.
WWJD (Fox)
After a botched Apocalypse, the second coming of Jesus Christ is stuck on Earth without anybody knowing his true identity. After generating some identification paperwork, Christ lands a job as a technician in the audio department for the WWJD radio station in Dubuque, Iowa. But when a microphone screw-up causes a conversation between Christ and a depressed co-worker to be accidentally broadcast on-air, ratings explode and the radio station offers Christ his own call-in-advice talk show. In the call-in talk show, Christ doles out advice on the morally correct way to act. We soon find out that the advice Christ doles out on-air is sometimes inconsistent with the way he actually acts. The show explores the complicated question, what would Jesus really do.
Silence is Golden (HBO)
A show about a deaf family that cannot speak. The entire show is in sign-language, designed for the niche-market of deaf people. Though groundbreaking and acclaimed by critics, the show doesn't get huge ratings show because no one can understand it, but HBO can afford to keep the show on for several seasons because it is cheap to make. After season one, the show is offered with "open captioning" which is kind of the opposite of closed captioning, I suppose, letting regular people be able to watch the show. The premise of the show is that the deaf family works as hit men for the mob and have to kill someone in each episode. There is a lot of sex and nudity.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Ten Classic Lines Actually Spoken in Real Life
10) "Well isn't that the blues" - Ron 1998
9) "I do it. You do it. We all do it... But don't do it" - Monique - 1972
8) "Oh what I wouldn't give for an hour and a half with nothing but a cigar, a glass of cognac and the Guinness Book of World Records" - Carl 2010
7) "If I only had a jackhammer, I probably would have" - Luis 1984
6) "Justice? Ain't no such thing as justice." - Maude 1968
5) "That is for Mr. Grant to decide. It is his bowel movement." - Norma G. 1943
4) "Of course its invisible. It's lunch." - Ezzie 2185
3) "'What's the best city in Idaho? Boi--... I mean, generosity." - Norma V. 1993
2) "What a shameful thing you have done to this family. For shame!" - Paul 1791
1) "But I am not Helmut!" - unknown man (but clearly not Helmut) 2005
9) "I do it. You do it. We all do it... But don't do it" - Monique - 1972
8) "Oh what I wouldn't give for an hour and a half with nothing but a cigar, a glass of cognac and the Guinness Book of World Records" - Carl 2010
7) "If I only had a jackhammer, I probably would have" - Luis 1984
6) "Justice? Ain't no such thing as justice." - Maude 1968
5) "That is for Mr. Grant to decide. It is his bowel movement." - Norma G. 1943
4) "Of course its invisible. It's lunch." - Ezzie 2185
3) "'What's the best city in Idaho? Boi--... I mean, generosity." - Norma V. 1993
2) "What a shameful thing you have done to this family. For shame!" - Paul 1791
1) "But I am not Helmut!" - unknown man (but clearly not Helmut) 2005
Friday, August 5, 2011
New Potatoes!
Has anyone tried these New Potatoes yet? They come in a can, and I guess they have two varieties. Round and sliced. I say, its about fucking time. I was starting to get sick of old, regular potatoes.
Ten Funniest Methods of Payment
10) Bag of jewels
9) Western Union
8) Theft (i.e., no payment)
7) Ski-ball ticket redemption
6) Three easy installments
5) (tie) Food Stamps (for poor pepole)/Regular stamps (for mail)
4) Writing a Check
3) First born child
2) One year of unlimited free Heimlich maneuvers
1) Cash, but always coming up one penny short
9) Western Union
8) Theft (i.e., no payment)
7) Ski-ball ticket redemption
6) Three easy installments
5) (tie) Food Stamps (for poor pepole)/Regular stamps (for mail)
4) Writing a Check
3) First born child
2) One year of unlimited free Heimlich maneuvers
1) Cash, but always coming up one penny short
Thursday, March 31, 2011
No Mustard Only Calls Shenanigans
No Mustard Only calls bullshit on some things
Window treatments.
Bullshit. You know what is a treatment? Chemo therapy is a treatment. Those things on your window are fucking blinds.
Window treatments.
Bullshit. You know what is a treatment? Chemo therapy is a treatment. Those things on your window are fucking blinds.
"The Addams family started when Uncle Fester farted. They all became retarded. The Addams family."
Bullshit. For one, how can a family begin with a fart? The only thing that begins with a fart is a bowel movement. For a family to start that way makes absolutely no sense. Not to mention that the family had to already have been started by this point, as evidenced by 1) Uncle Fester was already around to make the fart in the first place, and 2) he was called "Uncle" Fester. See? The family already was started long before this alleged fart. Can you imagine how gross of a fart it would have to be though, if the family really was started that way? If a bald guy farted and out came this giant furrball (Cousin It) and a hand that lives in a box among others? Totally nasty. Then, we skip right ahead to them all becoming retarded. This statement is logically more credible, but far lacking in explanation. Why? How? You don't just "become" retarded. Was it something in the fart that made them retarded? Finally we conclude with a nice little summary. The Addams family. Finally some sense in an otherwise nonsensical statement. Why someone would even say the rest of it is beyond me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
They Grow Up So Slow
So I now have a one week old son, and I can't say that I agree with the popular observation that children "grow up so fast." I think they grow up really slow. At best, they grow up at an average speed.
For example, I saw a mother at the supermarket yesterday talking with someone about her kid. "He's already 7, can you believe it?" She said. "Man, they really grow up fast don't they?"
No. They don't. It took SEVEN YEARS for him to get to that stage. Michael Phelps had time to win 14 Olympic gold medals in that time frame, there's been two presidential elections, New Orleans was destroyed and rebuilt, and world peace started and ended in that time (ok - we wish that last one was true). And the kid is still not even half your size. They grow up slow.
For example, I saw a mother at the supermarket yesterday talking with someone about her kid. "He's already 7, can you believe it?" She said. "Man, they really grow up fast don't they?"
No. They don't. It took SEVEN YEARS for him to get to that stage. Michael Phelps had time to win 14 Olympic gold medals in that time frame, there's been two presidential elections, New Orleans was destroyed and rebuilt, and world peace started and ended in that time (ok - we wish that last one was true). And the kid is still not even half your size. They grow up slow.
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