More TV Pilots

NBC is currently asking anybody and everybody for ideas for new TV shows. In addition to our previous creations, here are the ideas that we are submitting from no mustard only.

Lester

An antihero drama about a serial rapist. Lester is likeable because he only rapes other rapists. He gets away with it because he works for the Tampa police department as a semen expert.

Evan and Elle 

The show begins as two twins--Evan and Elle--are driving in a car and get in a fatal car wreck. They both die and await judgment in the after life. They are provided attorneys and given a chance to plead their case. Evan ends up getting into Heaven and Elle goes to Hell, but both are very close cases and it makes for a very popular case among all the angels and demons.

After the trial, Evan becomes a public defender for Heaven and Elle becomes the district attorney of Hell. Each episode, they are pitted against each other fighting for and against the salvation of some poor schmuck that just died. It's sort of like a legal procedural drama, but the stakes are way higher, and we get to learn the entire life story of each in 60 minutes. We also get glimpses into the lives of the spoiled Heaven-folk, and the poor souls in Hell that have to show up for mandatory torture rituals every day after lunch.

Jen X 

Thirteen year old Jennifer gives birth to her baby girl Little Jennifer. The grandmother and great grandmother are present. They are both named Jennifer too. Next door in the same hospital, the world's oldest woman (Old Jennifer!) is dying at 117 years old. Non one knows it because there were several intervening adoptions, but Little Jennifer can trace her family line back to Old woman. 

Basically, there are 10 generations of Jennifers that all gave birth at 13 years old.  Little Jennifer the tenth Jennifer, and thus takes the name Jen X. The show chronicles the lives of all 10 Jennifers, mostly through flashbacks.  It is a real feel good story about the power of single teenage moms. There is extra focus about the 39 year old, as she is from "gen x"

Transactions 

A legal drama about a law firm that only handles transnational issues. The show never sees a courtroom.  In one story line, a young associate desperately tries to account last minute for all the assets of a company as part of a huge merger.  In another, an old patent attorney has to call his client with unfortunate news regarding the client's audio cassette technology. And a soon to be made partner notices several critical omissions in a draft contract about his clients construction loan.

The Penises 

A kids cartoon on sprout about a family of cartoon penises named the "Johnsons".  Four year old Willie Johnson is always complaining about the burdens of being a four year old, and his parents (Rod and Phyllus) are always trying to keep him chipper. Posture is a big focus of the show, as the parents are always reminding the kids to stand straight and firm, and not to be limp.  Willie 's 13 year old brother Jimmy is worried about when he will grow, as the kids at school are always making fun of him because he is so small.

The Johnson's neighbors are a family of cartoon backsides named the Butts, and they really don't get along. The Butts are kind of slobs, leaving their trash around and always causing a stink.

Ten Most Interesting Presidential Facts

In lieu of election day, No Mustard Only has dug up some interesting factoids about previous presidents.  Here are the ten true facts we thought were the most interesting:

10) No president has been an only child.
9) Ronald Reagan was ambidextrous.
8) William Henry Harrison basically did absolutely nothing as the president.  He gave one really long speech, and then died.
7) George Washington is the only president who was never in a party.  George W. Bush is the only president who thought he was always at a party.
6) Everyone knows JFK cheated on Jackie-O with Marilyn Monroe, but no one remembers that Marilyn Monroe cheated on JFK with Joe DiMaggio first.
5) Andrew Johnson was impeached because he kept accidentally referring to the United States as "Canada" in his public addresses.
4) Grover Cleveland's high school classmates voted his the "best mustache" in the class of 1855.

3) During his campaign for president in 1984, Walter Mondale's campaign song was "Love Stinks" by Aerosmith or whatever.
2) Richard Nixon admitted to voting for George McGovern in 1972 because he claims that he foresaw the whole Watergate thing coming.
1) Warren G. Harding was the first president elected after the women's suffrage movement gave women the right to vote, but Bill Clinton is the first president elected when women's votes actually counted.

What has two thumbs...?

The Most Insignificant Thing I Do

The most insignificant thing you can do is clip your toenails.  Clipping toenails is so insignificant, that every time I do it, I have no recollection of the previous time I cut my toenails.  And its not like it was even that long ago, maybe a week or so beforehand.  Its just that the event is so inconsequential, so meaningless and so utterly insignificant, that I have absolutely no memory of ever having done it before.  In fact, as I sit here right now, I literally cannot recall ever having clipped my toenails.  I know I've done it, because I own a toenail clipper, and obviously my toenails aren't all super long and curvy like that dude in that book.

You know what else is weird?  That we would write a blog post about an event as insignificant as clipping toenails.

Batman's Top Ten Pet Peeves

10) Robin always smokes in the batcave
9) Moustaches, especially Commissioner Gordon's
8) When kids draw boobs on the bat symbol light
7) Police Officers always get free donuts, Batmen get jack shit
6) When Alfred calls him "Master Bruce" when he's in costume
5) Superman's "Super" farts
4) When the Riddler calls and asks if his refrigerator is running
3) Every time someone calls Batgirl hot, not realizing she's his daughter
2) When he gets an itch underneath the Batsuit
1)  Most Bat Groupies are in their 40's

Television Pilots

Here are some new TV show concepts that No Mustard Only is really jazzed about

The Garies (ABC)
In a world where the "sleep 'n shark" is a popular vacation activity (the sleep n' shark is kind of like a bed and breakfast, only customers are given a nice bedroom room on a boat, and an opportunity to get into a cage and go scuba diving with sharks), the Gary brothers (played by Gary Sinise and Gary Busey), from Gary, Indiana, decide to open their own sleep 'n shark with a twist -- called the "Fart 'n Shark"  As put by Busey's character, Gary (that's right, Gary Gary) "the 'Fart 'n Shark' is to sleep 'n sharks what fast food is to restaurants."  And the Fart 'n Shark is an underwater hotel that requires a submarine to deliver customers to their rooms.  The series will be a drama that focuses primarily on the Gary family and their business.

The Best Cooker (Bravo)
The Best Cooker is an elimination style cooking competition in the same vain as Top Chef.  In this competition, the contestants are faced with challenges that require preparation of store-bought pre-packaged meals using only the ingredients supplied in the package, or called for in the directions written on the package.  For example, the first challenge is to prepare a box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese using only a pot of boiling water, milk, butter and the ingredients in the box... Good Luck!  The show gets a lot of character from the pompous judges who are always yelling at contestants with comments like "this Hot Pocket has too much salt," or "This P.F. Chang's frozen Mongolian beef and broccoli meal needs more pepper," when the contestants are not allowed to use salt or pepper.  When a final loser is determined, the judges tell the booted contestant to "go ahead and get all your shit and get out of here."

2 Gay Guys (CBS)

The network bills this show as "the same kind of show as two and a half men."  The premise is simple: a homosexual couple lives together in a San Francisco apartment, and are constantly engaged in raunchy, obvious jokes, mostly aimed at how much the characters like to have gay sex - both with each other and other men.  In addition to the low-brow humor, the show tries to tackle deeper issues, such as whether it is better to have the bigger penis in a gay relationship, or get to enjoy your partner's larger penis.

WWJD (Fox)
After a botched Apocalypse, the second coming of Jesus Christ is stuck on Earth without anybody knowing his true identity.  After generating some identification paperwork, Christ lands a job as a technician in the audio department for the WWJD radio station in Dubuque, Iowa.  But when a microphone screw-up causes a conversation between Christ and a depressed co-worker to be accidentally broadcast on-air, ratings explode and the radio station offers Christ his own call-in-advice talk show.  In the call-in talk show, Christ doles out advice on the morally correct way to act.  We soon find out that the advice Christ doles out on-air is sometimes inconsistent with the way he actually acts.  The show explores the complicated question, what would Jesus really do.

Silence is Golden (HBO)
A show about a deaf family that cannot speak.  The entire show is in sign-language, designed for the niche-market of deaf people.  Though groundbreaking and acclaimed by critics, the show doesn't get huge ratings show because no one can understand it, but HBO can afford to keep the show on for several seasons because it is cheap to make.  After season one, the show is offered with "open captioning" which is kind of the opposite of closed captioning, I suppose, letting regular people be able to watch the show.  The premise of the show is that the deaf family works as hit men for the mob and have to kill someone in each episode.  There is a lot of sex and nudity.

Ten Classic Lines Actually Spoken in Real Life

10) "Well isn't that the blues" - Ron 1998
9) "I do it.  You do it.  We all do it...  But don't do it" - Monique - 1972
8) "Oh what I wouldn't give for an hour and a half with nothing but a cigar, a glass of cognac and the Guinness Book of World Records" - Carl 2010
7) "If I only had a jackhammer, I probably would have" - Luis 1984
6) "Justice? Ain't no such thing as justice." - Maude 1968
5) "That is for Mr. Grant to decide.  It is his bowel movement." - Norma G. 1943
4) "Of course its invisible.  It's lunch." - Ezzie 2185
3) "'What's the best city in Idaho?  Boi--...  I mean, generosity." - Norma V. 1993
2) "What a shameful thing you have done to this family.  For shame!" - Paul 1791
1) "But I am not Helmut!" - unknown man (but clearly not Helmut) 2005

New Potatoes!

Has anyone tried these New Potatoes yet?  They come in a can, and I guess they have two varieties.  Round and sliced.  I say, its about fucking time.  I was starting to get sick of old, regular potatoes.