Mitch Albom's Brainstorming Notes For His Next Novel

The greatest present I will ever receive: True Love

A witty old woman captures our hearts and then dies of breast cancer

A rich white boy meets an african-american lad from a bad neighborhood and forms a lifelong friendship

Thursdays with Oprah

My dog was a real devil growing up, but I sure loved him, and when he died, we were all really sad

After a man's daughter has a stroke, we learn valuable lessons from her while she is in a coma

A pretty child makes fun of a classmate for being fat, but when the classmate dies her spirit visits the pretty child and provides a deeper appreciation for being nice to other people

A story that isn't about the power of the human spirit

A man drinks and drives and kills two teens, and then learns lessons from the victim's family because they are such good people

True or False: We should care about endangered species

False:  If a species is gonna go out, its gonna go out.  Its not like it hasn't happened before, lest we forget dinosaurs, saber-tooth tigers and other things with sabers for teeth.  Sure, people say that humans are causing species to become extinct, and if it weren't for people there wouldn't be a problem.  But everything that goes extinct goes extinct because of something.  Dinosaurs went out because of that thing that made them extinct.  Same with mammoths.  Animal groups always insist that we'll be so sad once these animals are gone.  But I say we're missing out right now by not knowing what its like to live in a world without these endangered animals.  Don't you wonder what it would be like if there were no crocodiles?  I thought so.  Also, by the time they actually make it to complete extinction, I'm sure science will figure out a way to produce them anyway.  Don't get me wrong, I don't care if people become extinct either.  Unless it happens in the next 70 years or so, or unless reincarnation turns out to be true, which the Bible says is very unlikely.  So I'm gonna roll out my panda bearskin rug, fry up my bald eagle wings, and bathe in warm whale oil, because what the hell, I deserve it. 

Ten Least Popular Dog Names (that should be popular)

10) McEntire
9) Dr. Dogsworth
8) Your Honor
7) St. Ed
6) Grandpa 2
5) Nebuchadnezzar
4) Four-eyes
3) Claudia & Chuck (for one dog)
2) Osama bin-barkin'
1) My Accountant

Bonus List: Ten Least Useful Abilities/Skills
10) ability to die on command
9) knack for handling false alarms
8) distance-pissing
7) ability to hit foul balls
6) fire eating
5) ability to read minds only in Braille
4) ability to predict the past
3) anything David Blaine does
2) ability to count to ten really fast
1) knowing exactly when to pour water on pavement

Stupid Laws

We've all heard ones like these before.  You know, stupid rules like how, in Oklahoma, it is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo and stuff like that.  Well here are some more you probably didn't know about.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, its against the law to have more than two religious ceremonies involving human sacrifice per month.

In Reno, Nevada, it is not acceptable to attempt to use semen as a substitute for chips in a gambling-casino.

In Biloxi, Mississippi, it is illegal for all people named "Gary Gackelstein" to drive their automobiles in excess of 70 miles per hour.

In Detroit, Michigan, one cannot address an African American as an [N-word] without expecting to get their ass kicked.

In Salem, Oregon, it is against the law to have sex with any animal that is not your pet.

In Dayton, Ohio, it is forbidden to murder a good-looking woman and use her skin to make and sell umbrellas.

In Hartford, Connecticut, a citizen is considered "out" if he swings and misses with 2 strikes.

In Lubbock, Texas, one should not refer to a vegetable as a "turnip" unless he or she is referring to an actual turnip.

In Los Angeles, California, it is allowed for former NFL players that are also actors to kill their ex-wives and other visitors if a knife is used.

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to and molest children with.

Something to Think About

I like to call people dipshits, but what does that mean exactly?  Is it really an insult?  I don't think it means anything.  Neither does fuck face, ass clown, fart knocker or pecker wood.  If I had to guess at each of these terms, I would say a dip shit is a piece of stool that has been preserved, or coated in some way.  A fuck face is a facial expression worn by one engaged in the act of coitus.  An ass clown would be an entertainer that wears make up, large shoes, has a red nose and disproportionately large buttocks.  A fart knocker would be an individual that announces his presence at a doorway by flatulating.  And pecker wood might be a board, or a plank set up in an outdoor environment by a bird enthusiast to provide a training facility for young woodpeckers (Don't you think a really cool urban/sidewalk coffee place name would be the Peckerwood Cafe?). Anyway, none of these things are really all that insulting.  They just sound silly.  You might as well just call me a barf hero, or a piss follower.  How about, instead of dipshit, we say hip skip.  Instead of fuck face, we say fun face.  Ass clown - class clown.  Fart knocker - Heart stopper.  And instead of pecker wood, checkersgood (he's good at checkers). 


There is a sprinkler head in my office.  It is silver, and etched into it are the words "DO NOT PAINT."  Fuck that.  I like painting.

I don't like mittens because they take away the possibility to give a thumbs up.  Even if you gave something a thumbs up, people would just think you were wearin' mittens.  On the other side of the fence, some people might think you're giving everything a thumbs up and form weird opinions of you.  "What are you so pleased about?  It's bloody cold out here."  Also, it is difficult to point with any accuracy.


If you stacked all the Styrofoam cups used in America in a single year, one on top of each other, you would be exceptionally good at stacking Styrofoam cups, and it would have to be not very windy.

More Unjokes

Little Johnny was sitting in the class one morning when the teacher asked, "if you have six apples, and I take away two apples, how many apples do you have left?"  Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher called on Suzy.
"You'd have four apples left, Miss Spencer," Suzy said.
"That's correct," said the teacher.  But little Johnny was pissed because he had a hilarious response for the teacher that had something to do with the teacher having small tits.

Q: What do you get when you cross a unicorn with an overweight pirate?
A: An awkward conversation about health care legislation.

Five teenage chameleons were sitting around a campfire discussing how difficult it is to change colors in different seasons.  "I think it's hardest in the winter," said the first chameleon, "It's just so cold, and being cold-blooded, its difficult to get the color changing juices flowing."  The second chameleon pulled out a rifle and shot the first chameleon in the head.  He then shot the third chameleon for good measure, but I think he survived.  The remaining chameleons disbursed, grateful they no longer had to have a boring conversation about changing colors and the seasons.

Some quick "your mother" unjokes
Your mother is so fat that she intends to go on a diet.
Your mother is so poor that she is on welfare, and is struggling to make rent this month.
Your mother is so dirty that she requires 2 or 3 showers to completely get rid of all the dirt off her body.
Your mother is so ugly that 9 out of 10 men find her unattractive.
Your mother is so stupid that she cannot even name more than ten state capitals.

No Mustard Only On...

On French Kissing:
Of course the most pussy way to kiss is called French kissing.  Real kissing, aka Belarusian kissing, is like French kissing, only using teeth instead of tongue.

On Leap Year:
Instead of adding one day every 4 years they should just wait  1460 years and add an entire year.

On Babies:
I've noticed that most newborn babies look to be incredibly bored. But that is directly because they are sooooo stupid.  If they could figure out how to do anything, well, they might have something to do.

On Shit Hitting the Fan:
Just nobody shit near a fan.  Especially don't shit above a fan that is on.  Ok?  Christ.

On Pulling Out of Iraq:
Haven't we learned by now that pulling out isn't going to prevent anything?