1) Shaking: The function here is that babies don't really know that they are supposed to shut up. They cry because, well thats basically all they can do. If you could tell it to stop, it probably would, but they don't understand English yet, so you can't do that. By shaking the baby, they get the sense that they are really pissing people off, and they might stop. But remember, always shake your baby front to back, and never side to side. Baby's consider side-to-side shaking to be fun, so they won't get the point.
2) Screaming (also: Shouting, Scaring, Startling): If shaking your baby doesn't work, then you are supposed to scream at it. The principal behind this S is that babys are very, very dumb, and thus very bored. Since they don't understand what is going on around them, the world can be very dull and very depressing. If you startle your baby by screaming at it, it can provide a very enjoyable surprise, and help calm the baby down.
Demonstrating the "screaming" tactic
3) Slapping, Smacking, and Stabbing: Sometimes the baby forgets that it exists. It can lose a connection with its 5 senses. By smacking the baby in the face, or stabbing (poking with a finger, never with a knife) the baby in the chest, you provide a friendly reminder that they do exist, and that they are alive. This comfort can send the baby into a very relaxed sleep.
4) Smoking: Remember how calming and soothing your first cigarette was? Well it is almost three times as calming for babies. If the baby is unable to hold and smoke the cigarette by itself, it is recommended that you blow a large puff of second-hand smoke directly into the babies face. Remember though, until your baby is satisfactorily breast-feeding full-time, you shouldn't let the baby puff directly on a cigarette (or cigar) - it can lead to bad sucking and latching habits.
Smoking makes babies happy
5) Shock: This is only to be used as a last resort, if your baby really won't shut up after the first four S's. Get a pair of jumper cables. Hook the positive (red) node to your baby's right nipple, and the negative (black) node to the baby's left foot. If the baby doesn't have a left foot, just clamp to the babies calf, thigh or stump. After hooking the other end of the cable up to the battery of a running vehicle, a 12 volt charge of good old-fashioned e-lec-tricity will pump through your child, soothing the nerves, easing the pain, and totally relaxing him or her. Note - be careful not to leave the baby clamped for too long, or you may deplete the power on your car battery and be unable to start your car.
