The 5 S's of Baby Relaxation

So last night we watched this video that is supposed to help you get your newborn baby to fall asleep.  The video demonstrates the 5 S's - 5 words that begin with S that describe the things you are supposed to do.  The video was really boring, so I will summarize the 5 S's below, so you don't have to watch the video.

1) Shaking: The function here is that babies don't really know that they are supposed to shut up.  They cry because, well thats basically all they can do.  If you could tell it to stop, it probably would, but they don't understand English yet, so you can't do that.  By shaking the baby, they get the sense that they are really pissing people off, and they might stop.  But remember, always shake your baby front to back, and never side to side. Baby's consider side-to-side shaking to be fun, so they won't get the point. 


2) Screaming (also: Shouting, Scaring, Startling): If shaking your baby doesn't work, then you are supposed to scream at it.  The principal behind this S is that babys are very, very dumb, and thus very bored.  Since they don't understand what is going on around them, the world can be very dull and very depressing.  If you startle your baby by screaming at it, it can provide a very enjoyable surprise, and help calm the baby down.

Demonstrating the "screaming" tactic

3) Slapping, Smacking, and Stabbing: Sometimes the baby forgets that it exists. It can lose a connection with its 5 senses.  By smacking the baby in the face, or stabbing (poking with a finger, never with a knife) the baby in the chest, you provide a friendly reminder that they do exist, and that they are alive.  This comfort can send the baby into a very relaxed sleep.

4) Smoking:  Remember how calming and soothing your first cigarette was?  Well it is almost three times as calming for babies.  If the baby is unable to hold and smoke the cigarette by itself, it is recommended that you blow a large puff of second-hand smoke directly into the babies face.  Remember though, until your baby is satisfactorily breast-feeding full-time, you shouldn't let the baby puff directly on a cigarette (or cigar) - it can lead to bad sucking and latching habits.

Smoking makes babies happy

5) Shock: This is only to be used as a last resort, if your baby really won't shut up after the first four S's.   Get a pair of jumper cables.  Hook the positive (red) node to your baby's right nipple, and the negative (black) node to the baby's left foot.  If the baby doesn't have a left foot, just clamp to the babies calf, thigh or stump.  After hooking the other end of the cable up to the battery of a running vehicle, a 12 volt charge of good old-fashioned e-lec-tricity will pump through your child, soothing the nerves, easing the pain, and totally relaxing him or her.  Note - be careful not to leave the baby clamped for too long, or you may deplete the power on your car battery and be unable to start your car.

No Mustard Only Does It:

There are some hilarious shirts out there that insinuate sexual connotations involved with certain occupational tasks.  For instance, "Bus drivers do it in transit," and "Dentists do it orally" - Check them out here.  Anyhow, here are a few No Mustard Only originals:

Fisherman do it in a boat
Barbers like it hairy
Trapeze people do it in the air
Investors do it "on the floor"

Construction workers do it with a guy jacking his hammer in the corner

Lawyers do it with a cock ring
Engineers do it up the ass
Doctors do it with an octopus present

Tiger Woods does it with 18 holes a day

Butchers do it with their wives, if their wives take a shower first

Gelato store owners do it using tantric methods, like Sting

Teachers do it with a Dr. Seuss book between their but cheeks
Actors do it and never wear condoms! 

Popes do it seldom

Ventriloquists do it with their arm so far up a cartoon's ass that the cartoon can taste fingers!

No Mustard Only Calls Shenanigans: Biz Markie

No Mustard Only will acknowledge that it is possible that Mr. Markie had a friend named "Jack," and it is also likely that he was pals with a "Jermaine."  We seriously doubt, however, that he had a friend named "Agnes," or that he knew anyone named "Agatha."  At best, he knew one of these people, but he most certainly didn't have two separate friends named Agnes and Agatha.  What probably happened was that old Biz probably needed a couple names to finish the lyric, so he flipped to page 3 of some book of baby-girl names (the AG--- section) and grabbed the first two he saw. 

Biz Markie doesn't know anyone named
"Agnes" or "Agatha" (and that's a fact)

The Most Impressive Guy in the World

Inspired by one too many Dos Equis beverages, he is the Most Impressive Guy in the World.

He's made love to more women than all the virgins in the world. Combined!
He's been to Boston, D.C., Louisiana, and almost seven state capitals.
Given a sheet of paper and a pencil, he can spell any word backwards.
He can smoke a carton of cigarettes in a week... or not, he has no addictions.
He knows how to steal a man's identity, but he would never do it.
He can do at least 25 push-ups in a single session.
He never gets bored in church.
He's read over 80 books in his lifetime.  Many of them non-fiction or adult-fiction.
He has excellent hand-writing.
He can tolerate temperatures in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit.
Math?  It's not a problem for him at all. 
He is licensed to operate a half-dozen varieties of paddle boats.
He totally predicted the end to the movie The Usual Suspects.
Also, he's looking for work.  If you are interested in hiring him, email him at mostimpressiveguyintheworld@gmail.com

The Most Impressive Guy in the World

One Hundred Words

Stop prefacing your jokes with the number of words that follow.  For example, when explaining why the Yankees suck, don't say "Two words: Alex Rodriguez."  It is stupid for many reasons.  First, the number of words doesn't ever have any relevance whatsoever unless it is like some sweet number like 8,888 words, or 100 words exactly (like this post).  Also, any intelligent listener can easily discern how many words your answer has, especially when it is only two words.  Finally, aren't you supposed to count the "Two words" part in your answer?  If so, then you're wrong.  Its four words.

She's enjoying it

Top Ten Predictions for Shocking Revelations During the Lost Series Finale

10) Sexual tension between Jack and Hurley rises to uncomfortable levels
9) After years on the island, someone finally takes a leak
8) A guest appearance from the entire cast of Cougar Town
7) Vincent the Dog turns out to be the thing that has been saying "Previously on Lost"
6) Sawyer is abducted by aliens, which starts a new spin-off series: "Lost... In Space"
5) We get a full frontal nude scene of Locke in the wheelchair and that chick from Married with Children
4) Walt dies of old age
3) The Smoke Monster guy gets off the island, but is always really nervous that he's going to be killed.  Tension gets out of control when he listens to "Don't Stop Believing"
2) Kate does something interesting
1) The island actually turns out to have been a peninsula!

No Mustard Only on Helium

Helium is a kind of air that is absolutely useless except for two things.  First, it floats balloons.  Second, it makes your voice hilariously high for about 20 seconds if you inhale it.  That's it.  It doesn't do anything else.  It's not dangerous or vital for life or anything.

This brings me to the next point on Helium.  How do they harness it to put in those tanks they sell to balloon party shops and dentist offices?  Can you make it, or do you have to cultivate it out of thin air, literally?  I can't imagine they actually make it, because that would require some sort of atomic structuring, which, if it is possible, sounds really expensive and dangerous.  So they must just harvest it out of thin air.  But what I don't get is, Helium floats.  It floats like crazy.  If I let a balloon go that is filled with Helium, it will shoot up into the sky.  So how do they filter it out of the air without it just floating upwards?  And, do they have to go way up into the atmosphere to do this?  Because I can't believe that there's any Helium down at eye level, it would just shoot straight up like a balloon.

Last, I think its bullshit that Helium is the no 2 element on the periodic table.  Its like hearing someone say that Bruce Almighty is the second best movie of all time.  It just doesn't seem appropriate.  While I suppose it is true that Helium is the second most abundant element in the universe, (by a lot actually) I still don't think anyone would give a shit if it became extinct.

Ok, that's enough talk about Helium.

On This Day In History, 2008

Taken from the No Mustard Only Newspaper Archives

Old Dawg Learns New Trick (Rio Rancho, NM)

Albuquerque Tribune - Thirteen year old novice magician, Edward Hodgkin of Rio Rancho has learned a new card trick to add to his repertoire, according to sources who claim to be close with Hodgkin's mother.  Edward, who goes by the name of "Old Dawg" while performing, has apparently learned how to identify the card chosen by a volunteer without even looking at the volunteer when choosing the card.  "I selected the nine of diamonds, and sure enough, Edward, err.. Old Dawg smacked the deck on his leg and out fell the nine of diamonds," said the source.  "I was mildly impressed."

Old Dawg has been performing magic for six months and his other tricks include pulling a quarter out of your ear, and making a rubber ball disappear into a plastic cup.  Though he is only thirteen, Old Dawg claims that he is much older in "Dawg" years.

 

Old Dawg

Tribute to the Bic Company

No Mustard Only would like to take a moment to applaud the Bic company, which dabbles in a variety of extremely unrelated products, that are all equally poor in quality.

Would you like to cut the fuck out of your face?  Only want to spend 45 cents to do it?  Then grab a bunch of these:

Who needs 3, 4 or 5 blades when you have a slightly sharpened piece of aluminum?  You can get like 20 of them for $2, and they come in a bag.  That's right, they are razors that come in a bag.  The same kind of bag that cough drops come in.

Next, do you need to write something down?  Do you not need assurance that you'll be able to get more then 2 words out?   Well grab a handful of these for just pennies on the dollar.

 Finally, do you need to light something on fire that is only one millimeter from your thumb?  Then be sure to pick up one of these.

They can occasionally be more convenient than a match.

So thank you Bic company.  When people ask, what do you do, you can say you specialize in shaving, writing and lighting things on fire.  And you've managed to become a master at all three.  Congratulations on successfully flooding the world with three products for over 500 years, or whatever.

Ode To Poems That Don't Rhyme

I hate you, poems that do not rhyme
you are at liberty to say as you please
without alliteration
without reason
authentic chaos
where to end your lines--where to finish stanzas?
who the fuck cares you say
i'll do as i wish and the hell with punctuation
because i am a fucking genius
an entrepreneur of the english vocabulary
a wordsmith
with a thesaurus
i am immune to rhythm... meter...cadence
Emily Goddamn Dickinson
put down your fucking pen
stop wasting your ink
another octopus dies
dictionary sediment
falling into an abyss of empty syllables
vomited from the demon's mouth

Interesting Things About Animals

Lemur Monkeys sometimes have sex with their wives on top of a cactus to keep them safe from predators.

No Rhinoceros has ever been struck by lightning.

The clamping force of an alligator's jaw is enough to break right through bone, wood, even rock.  However, their opening force is so week that if a small bird lands on top of their mouth, they can't even open it.

The reason that dogs bark is because they have an itchy throat.

Birds fly in a "V" formation because it points in the direction that they need to go.  Its how the dumber birds avoid getting lost.

Zebras are considered the funniest in the animal kingdom.  Especially by hyenas.

The male giraffe has breasts and a vagina, and gives birth to babies.  Female giraffes, on the other hand have a penis and it is their sperm that inseminates male giraffes.  Essentially, the male and females of giraffes are exactly the opposite of most other species.

Mermaids use a form of currency that is immune to inflation.

You shouldn't ask an octopus if he plays the drums.  Odds are that he does, but it is still a pretty offensive question.

Australian fruit bats use a high frequency "sonar" to communicate.  This "sonar" is quickly becoming the most effective means for advertising among the fruit bats, second only to billboards.

Unicorns would kill their prey (usually panda bears), eat their fill, which was only a small portion, and then piss on the carcass so that no other animal would be able to eat the remains.  This selfish act is why unicorns were considered one of the most despised in the animal kingdom before becoming extinct over fifty years ago.

Penguin milk is extremely high in fat, cholesterol and sodium.  It even has alcohol in it.  Penguin parents will go to extreme measures to prevent their young from feeding upon it.

Long before the dinosaurs ever came into existence, there roamed the earth a species of "super" dinosaurs.  These creatures were as large as seventy regular dinosaurs and became extinct hundreds of millions of years before the regular dinosaurs existed.  Scientists believed that these "super" dinosaurs only existed on the planet for about six weeks before becoming extinct!

Fish are considered by most to be the most bored animals.

Lizard culinary tactics are the most advanced in the animal kingdom, while pheasant is the cheapest, and thus the most popular.

The reason butterflies never wear pants is because they are hundreds of years out of fashion.

If a wombat has a secret that it should not divulge, it will keep that secret until it dies.  Even advanced forms of torture like water boarding will not get them to reveal it!

Oysters have over 700 words for "pearl."

Unsurprisingly, falcons, eagles and hawks have the most advanced air force in the animal kingdom.  However, you might find it somewhat shocking to hear that the shark navy is a laughing stock.

The very first Easter Bunny was actually a chameleon.

No mountain goat has ever won a head slamming championship in back-to-back seasons.

Most lobsters are assholes.  You shouldn't feel guilty at all about their screaming when you put them in a pot of boiling water.

Most ants do not consider Renaissance art to be all that impressive.  They tend to prefer works from the Baroque period.  Just kidding.  Ants like all art!

Stephen Hawking is an Idiot

Physicist Stephen Hawking does not think time travel to the past  is or ever will be possible.  To test this theory, he conducted an experiment.  He threw a party where only time travelers were invited.  He made an invitation, and supposedly hid the invitation in a spot where only time travelers could find it.  No one came.  He thus theorized it was because time travel to the past will never be possible.  He may be right, but he is a complete idiot for proposing that experiment.  I could have told him right off the bat that no time traveler is going to come to his party.  First, time travelers are probably awesome and have better things to do than to go to some lame ass party with a nerd in a wheel chair.  I can see the decision process right now:

Time traveler #1: Boy, the Boston Tea Party was crazy.  Where should we go now?
Time traveler #2: We should go hear the Gettysburg Address, or go see Julius Caesar get killed.  Oh--we could go to Stephen Hawking's Party.  I just found the invitation in that secret spot.
Time traveler #1: I am not going to that stupid party.  I remember when he threw it.  He had a tv special about it, and no one came.  If we went, we'd be the only ones there, and that would be super lame.

Also, can you believe the audacity of Stephen Hawking to think that people who actually know how to time travel are going to want to come hang out with him?  It would be like a little league football coach throwing a party to discuss football strategies, and inviting all the NFL coaches.  Time travelers already understand how to time travel.  They aren't going to want to waste their time or their plutonium to come hear Steve's stupid theories that are all wrong.  In fact, most time travelers are probably pissed at him, since he said that time travel to the past wasn't possible.  I seriously doubt that Magellan or Columbus would have been eager to attend a party thrown by the President of the Flat Earth Society.

 

Alien girls and idiot Stephen Hawking

The Time We Found A Breast Pump

This rhyming story is: UNTRUE

The mission was to find a breast pump
So we traveled to the West Dump
And found what we thought was the best hump
of trash that would contain a breast pump

After digging through a nest clump
We saw a chubby rodent pest jump
So I said, somewhat in jest, "plump
mice sometimes live in a breast pump"

Sure enough, on a distressed pump-
kin was a discarded breast pump
There were no high fives, just a chest bump
That was the time we found a breast pump

How Long Does It Take You To Put On Your Flip-Flop Shoes?

5 seconds or less?


More than 5 seconds but less than 30 seconds?


More than 30 seconds but less than one minute?


More than 90 seconds?

Top Ten Billboards/Signs on the Highway to Hell

10) Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

9) Last Chance for Dairy Queen: Exit 665

8) Welcome to Hell - Land of 10,000 Lakes of Fire

7)

6)  Killer Bees: Next 1000 miles

5) (even Hell is hurt by the economy)

4) Trenton - 19
    Atlantic City -80
    Hell - 155
(to get to Hell, you got to drive through Jersey)

3)

2) At this exit: Unleaded gas - $15.97 /gallon

1)

Matching Game: Cliche expressions

Match up the first part of the cliche with the appropriate second part.  How many can you get right?  Answers below:

1) Busy as a one legged man...

2) It takes one...

3) Don't pee on my leg...

4) The best thing since...

5) Don't get your panties... 

6) You can't teach an old dog...

7) People who live in glass houses... 

8) That which does not kill you...

9) Ask not what your country can do for you...

10) Early to bed, early to rise...

11) A penny saved is a penny earned...

12) Even the sun shines on a dog's ass...

13) Grass is always greener...

14) A bird in the hand...

15) A snowball's chance...

16) If the shoe fits...

17) If you can't take the heat...

18) Its not over until the fat lady...

19) The more things change...

20) Red sky in the morning, Sailors take warning; red sky at night...

21) He won't buy the cow if...

22) If your friends all jumped off a cliff...

23) Don't count your chickens...

24) When life gives you lemons...

25) You have to break a few eggs...

26) You can lead a horse to water...

A) pulled pork

B) should live in regular houses

C) gets out of the kitchen

D) to finally become a snowman

E) and tell me its raining

F) in hell

G) to know one

H) who would hit the ground first?

I) when you properly water and maintain your lawn

J) from Victoria's Secret.  They are way too expensive

K) organic chemistry

L) give life a barnacle, and say, "what the fuck's with the lemons?"

M) might poop.  be careful.

N) because it is so good looking

O) mount your chickens

P) make sure to try the other shoe to see if it fits too

Q) just bitch about the government

R) the more Jay Leno gets annoying

S) doesn't mean shit, cause everyone dies

T) in an ass kicking contest

U) and a few legs, if you're the egg-makin' leg-breakin' man from Dupage

V) means it's taco night!

W) is everything except one thing

X) then we aren't moving to Venus

Y) he doesn't have a huge fucking truck

Z) and thus is a complete waste of time

ANSWERS
1) Busy as a one legged man... (T) in an ass kicking contest
2) It takes one... (G) to know one
3) Don't pee on my leg... (E) and tell me its raining
4) The best thing since... (A) pulled pork
5) Don't get your panties... (J) from Victoria's Secret.  They are way too expensive 
6) You can't teach an old dog... (k) organic chemistry
7) People who live in glass houses... (B) should live in regular houses
8) That which does not kill you... (W) is everything except one thing
9) Ask not what your country can do for you... (Q) just bitch about the government
10) Early to bed, early to rise... (S) doesn't mean shit, cause everyone dies
11) A penny saved is a penny earned... (Z) and thus is a complete waste of time
12) Even the sun shines on a dog's ass... (N) because it is so good looking
13) Grass is always greener... (I) when you properly water and maintain your lawn
14) A bird in the hand... (M) might poop.  be careful.
15) A snowball's chance... (D) to finally become a snowman
16) If the shoe fits... (P) make sure to try the other shoe to see if it fits too
17) If you can't take the heat... (X) then we aren't moving to Venus
18) Its not over until the fat lady... (C) gets out of the kitchen
19) The more things change... (R) the more Jay Leno gets annoying
20) Red sky in the morning, Sailors take warning; red sky at night... (V) means it's taco night!
21) He won't buy the cow if... (Y) he doesn't have a huge fucking truck
22) If your friends all jumped off a cliff... (H) who would hit the ground first?
23) Don't count your chickens... (O) mount your chickens
24) When life gives you lemons... (L) give life a barnacle and say "what the fucks with the lemons?"
25) You have to break a few eggs... (U) and a few legs, if you're the egg-makin' leg-breakin' man from Dupage
26) You can lead a horse to water... (F) in hell

More Unjokes

Polly Wants a Pecker
A man was on a date with a blind woman.  After the date, the woman brought the man back up to her apartment.  She left him in the living room while she went to the kitchen to pour a couple of drinks, and the man got nude during this time.  When the woman came back into the room, her pet parrot announced "Raw.  He's nude.  Rawww!"  The man was unaware that a parrot even was in the room!


The Wish Fish
A man was fishing in the ocean when he caught a magnificient blue tarpon fish.  As he was about to cut and kill the fish, the fish spoke up.  "Please don't kill me," the fish said, "if you put me back in the water, I'll grant you any wish you want." 
"Whoa!" said the fisherman.  He had never heard a fish talk before.  "Where did you learn to talk?"
"Actually, its a long story, but if you want to put me back and get your wish, you've got to do it soon, I can't breathe outside of water."
"I don't know," the man considered, "I bet talking fish are quite delicious."  By this point, the fish was suffocating immensely.
"Please..." the fish begged.
"Oh, alright fine.  I, umm... I wish I had a million dollars."  The man tossed the fish back into the water.  After the fish caught his breath the fish broke into laughter.  "What kind of idiot believes a fish can grant wishes?" the fish said as he swam away.  The fisherman didn't really care, because he was already a billionaire, and he was just going to give the million dollars to charity, possibly even one for the ethical treatment of fish.  Two days later the fish was eaten by a shark.

Riddles
Q: Why do Chinese people breathe through their noses?
A: Because that is one of two ways humans can take in oxygen.

(Note: the following test the limits of what is an unjoke and an actual real joke)

Q: What were the last words spoken on the Challenger before it blew up?
A: No one knows for sure, but here are some theories:
"Look at this asshole flying on the wrong side of the space-lane... Oh no!"
"Say, do you think dynamite works in space?"
"Hey, McAuliffe, stop pushing buttons"
"Its damn cold in here.  Someone turn up the heat - fast"
"You know what sucks?  Dying."

No Mustard Only On Race

Top Ten Unfair—And Untrue—Racial Stereotypes
10) Asians make fantastic drivers
9) Indians are all allergic to curry
8) White people are capable of the most prolific slam-dunks
7) Jewish people spend money with reckless abandon
6) All Genies live in lamps
5) Native Americans consider it a sin to promote gambling
4) The majority of babies cannot read
3) Germans are offended by David Hasselhoff
2) All Angels are heroin addicts
1) Extremely tall people don't mind when you sit in the exit row on airplanes


Today's topic is all about race.  We here at No Mustard Only are sensitive to race issues, and we would like to talk about the Census form for a minute.   Refer here for guidance if you need to. Are you ready?  Ok.  First, why did the census form first ask me if I was Hispanic, Latino or Spanish (item 8), and then afterward ask me my race (item 9)?  In the second question, neither Hispanic, Latino or Spanish was an option.  How were Hispanic people supposed to answer item number 9?  Are they considered white?  If so, that is HUGE for white people.  I had no idea the white race was so diverse.

And second, with item 9, Why does it say "Black, African Am. or Negro?"  Does this mean those are three separate sub-races, or is it just three names for the same race?  I suppose they want to be sure to include all names for the race, in case there's someone out there that considers themselves a "Negro," for example, but has no idea what "Black" or "African Am." means.  We wouldn't want them confused about what box to check.

Lastly, what is this race referred to as Guamanian or Chamorro?  I've never heard of that.  Is it new?  What are these people like, and more importantly, what are their stereotypes?  Is this race really deserving of its own box?  I mean, couldn't this fall under the "some other race" category?  I think this whole race thing is really ambiguous and not really well defined.  In fact, I was seriously tempted to just check the "some other race" box and put "Michigander" in there.  Why can't that be its own race?

Finally,
I will include one bonus list, also about race

Top Ten Races
10) The Kentucky Derby
9) The Indy 500
8) The Tour de France
7) The Boston Marathon
6) The 2008 Beijing Olympics 400 meter swimming medley relay final
5) The Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race
4) The Amazing Race
3) The Iditarod
2) The 100 meter dash
1) The Human Race

Top Ten Grades I Got In College

10) D+
9) C-
8) C
7) Pass
6) C+
5) B-
4) B
3)B+
2) A-
1) tie A/A+

Top Ten Ways to Transport Things

10. In a bucket
9. In a bag with a hole in it
8. During January
7. Ask someone to kindly do it for you
6. Expeditiously
5. From one shelf to another
4. With a friend
3. On the expressway
2. In a bag with no hole in it
1. Accurately

True or False: People Can Change

False: I used to think that people could change.  You know, like Ebenezer Scrooge, who changes from an old frugal dickhead to a fun-loving old man who throws gold coins everywhere.  But then I realized that was just pure fiction.  I noticed that people are just set in their ways, and that they are just going to act consistent with the way they always would.  If they were good people, they'll stay good people.  If they were dickheads, they'll stay dickheads.  Once a dork, always a dork and so on and so forth.  People are just born a certain way and there's nothing they can do about it to change.  And then I realized... whoa, I just changed myself, by changing my belief in whether people can change or not.  If I could change my opinion on such a core belief, so could anyone.  All it takes is a little inspiration and maybe a visit from some ghosts or something.  Thus I changed back to believing in the fact that people can indeed change.  But hold on a minute.  I then realized that my fundamental basis for believing that people can change, namely that I changed myself by changing my belief that people can change, was in fact a lie.  I hadn't changed.  I had gone right back to the original belief that I had, that people can indeed change.  Because I had demonstrated that I had not changed myself, I realized that people don't really change, they are always the same as they were originally.  Thus, there you have it.  People cannot change, even though I truly believe otherwise.

On this Day in History 1681

On April 7, 1681 Josh Eli the First is elected as the first ever Jewish Pope.

Misquoted Movie Lines

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Kinds of People

Black people, white people,
Heavy people, light people
Day people, night people,
Why do people fight people?

Left people, right people,
Dumb people, bright people,
Loose people, tight people,
Clowns tend to delight people.

Large people, slight people,
Maybe people, might people,
Width people, height people,
Go fly a kite people.

Wrong people, right people,
Sound people, sight people,
Dark people, light people,
Monkeys are not quite people.

Laugh people, fright people,
Talk people, write people,
Sip people, bite people,
Letters to invite people.

Dragon people, knight people,
Sailing people, flight people,
Fairy people, sprite people,
The English are polite people.

There are all kinds of people in this world,
Living together, blended and swirled,
And most of them suck!

Mitch Albom's Brainstorming Notes For His Next Novel

The greatest present I will ever receive: True Love

A witty old woman captures our hearts and then dies of breast cancer

A rich white boy meets an african-american lad from a bad neighborhood and forms a lifelong friendship

Thursdays with Oprah

My dog was a real devil growing up, but I sure loved him, and when he died, we were all really sad

After a man's daughter has a stroke, we learn valuable lessons from her while she is in a coma

A pretty child makes fun of a classmate for being fat, but when the classmate dies her spirit visits the pretty child and provides a deeper appreciation for being nice to other people

A story that isn't about the power of the human spirit

A man drinks and drives and kills two teens, and then learns lessons from the victim's family because they are such good people

True or False: We should care about endangered species

False:  If a species is gonna go out, its gonna go out.  Its not like it hasn't happened before, lest we forget dinosaurs, saber-tooth tigers and other things with sabers for teeth.  Sure, people say that humans are causing species to become extinct, and if it weren't for people there wouldn't be a problem.  But everything that goes extinct goes extinct because of something.  Dinosaurs went out because of that thing that made them extinct.  Same with mammoths.  Animal groups always insist that we'll be so sad once these animals are gone.  But I say we're missing out right now by not knowing what its like to live in a world without these endangered animals.  Don't you wonder what it would be like if there were no crocodiles?  I thought so.  Also, by the time they actually make it to complete extinction, I'm sure science will figure out a way to produce them anyway.  Don't get me wrong, I don't care if people become extinct either.  Unless it happens in the next 70 years or so, or unless reincarnation turns out to be true, which the Bible says is very unlikely.  So I'm gonna roll out my panda bearskin rug, fry up my bald eagle wings, and bathe in warm whale oil, because what the hell, I deserve it. 

Ten Least Popular Dog Names (that should be popular)

10) McEntire
9) Dr. Dogsworth
8) Your Honor
7) St. Ed
6) Grandpa 2
5) Nebuchadnezzar
4) Four-eyes
3) Claudia & Chuck (for one dog)
2) Osama bin-barkin'
1) My Accountant

Bonus List: Ten Least Useful Abilities/Skills
10) ability to die on command
9) knack for handling false alarms
8) distance-pissing
7) ability to hit foul balls
6) fire eating
5) ability to read minds only in Braille
4) ability to predict the past
3) anything David Blaine does
2) ability to count to ten really fast
1) knowing exactly when to pour water on pavement

Stupid Laws

We've all heard ones like these before.  You know, stupid rules like how, in Oklahoma, it is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo and stuff like that.  Well here are some more you probably didn't know about.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, its against the law to have more than two religious ceremonies involving human sacrifice per month.

In Reno, Nevada, it is not acceptable to attempt to use semen as a substitute for chips in a gambling-casino.

In Biloxi, Mississippi, it is illegal for all people named "Gary Gackelstein" to drive their automobiles in excess of 70 miles per hour.

In Detroit, Michigan, one cannot address an African American as an [N-word] without expecting to get their ass kicked.

In Salem, Oregon, it is against the law to have sex with any animal that is not your pet.

In Dayton, Ohio, it is forbidden to murder a good-looking woman and use her skin to make and sell umbrellas.

In Hartford, Connecticut, a citizen is considered "out" if he swings and misses with 2 strikes.

In Lubbock, Texas, one should not refer to a vegetable as a "turnip" unless he or she is referring to an actual turnip.

In Los Angeles, California, it is allowed for former NFL players that are also actors to kill their ex-wives and other visitors if a knife is used.

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to and molest children with.

Something to Think About

I like to call people dipshits, but what does that mean exactly?  Is it really an insult?  I don't think it means anything.  Neither does fuck face, ass clown, fart knocker or pecker wood.  If I had to guess at each of these terms, I would say a dip shit is a piece of stool that has been preserved, or coated in some way.  A fuck face is a facial expression worn by one engaged in the act of coitus.  An ass clown would be an entertainer that wears make up, large shoes, has a red nose and disproportionately large buttocks.  A fart knocker would be an individual that announces his presence at a doorway by flatulating.  And pecker wood might be a board, or a plank set up in an outdoor environment by a bird enthusiast to provide a training facility for young woodpeckers (Don't you think a really cool urban/sidewalk coffee place name would be the Peckerwood Cafe?). Anyway, none of these things are really all that insulting.  They just sound silly.  You might as well just call me a barf hero, or a piss follower.  How about, instead of dipshit, we say hip skip.  Instead of fuck face, we say fun face.  Ass clown - class clown.  Fart knocker - Heart stopper.  And instead of pecker wood, checkersgood (he's good at checkers). 


There is a sprinkler head in my office.  It is silver, and etched into it are the words "DO NOT PAINT."  Fuck that.  I like painting.

I don't like mittens because they take away the possibility to give a thumbs up.  Even if you gave something a thumbs up, people would just think you were wearin' mittens.  On the other side of the fence, some people might think you're giving everything a thumbs up and form weird opinions of you.  "What are you so pleased about?  It's bloody cold out here."  Also, it is difficult to point with any accuracy.


If you stacked all the Styrofoam cups used in America in a single year, one on top of each other, you would be exceptionally good at stacking Styrofoam cups, and it would have to be not very windy.

More Unjokes

Little Johnny was sitting in the class one morning when the teacher asked, "if you have six apples, and I take away two apples, how many apples do you have left?"  Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher called on Suzy.
"You'd have four apples left, Miss Spencer," Suzy said.
"That's correct," said the teacher.  But little Johnny was pissed because he had a hilarious response for the teacher that had something to do with the teacher having small tits.

Q: What do you get when you cross a unicorn with an overweight pirate?
A: An awkward conversation about health care legislation.

Five teenage chameleons were sitting around a campfire discussing how difficult it is to change colors in different seasons.  "I think it's hardest in the winter," said the first chameleon, "It's just so cold, and being cold-blooded, its difficult to get the color changing juices flowing."  The second chameleon pulled out a rifle and shot the first chameleon in the head.  He then shot the third chameleon for good measure, but I think he survived.  The remaining chameleons disbursed, grateful they no longer had to have a boring conversation about changing colors and the seasons.

Some quick "your mother" unjokes
Your mother is so fat that she intends to go on a diet.
Your mother is so poor that she is on welfare, and is struggling to make rent this month.
Your mother is so dirty that she requires 2 or 3 showers to completely get rid of all the dirt off her body.
Your mother is so ugly that 9 out of 10 men find her unattractive.
Your mother is so stupid that she cannot even name more than ten state capitals.

No Mustard Only On...

On French Kissing:
Of course the most pussy way to kiss is called French kissing.  Real kissing, aka Belarusian kissing, is like French kissing, only using teeth instead of tongue.

On Leap Year:
Instead of adding one day every 4 years they should just wait  1460 years and add an entire year.

On Babies:
I've noticed that most newborn babies look to be incredibly bored. But that is directly because they are sooooo stupid.  If they could figure out how to do anything, well, they might have something to do.

On Shit Hitting the Fan:
Just nobody shit near a fan.  Especially don't shit above a fan that is on.  Ok?  Christ.

On Pulling Out of Iraq:
Haven't we learned by now that pulling out isn't going to prevent anything?

True or False: You Can't Touch This

Another segment at NoMustardOnly is true or false.  Its like Ripley's Believe it or not.  We'll present you with a statement, and then follow up with whether it is true or not.  Today's statement: You Can't Touch This


True: You can't.  Not when Hammer won't tell you what "this" is.  How the hell are you supposed to touch an unknown "this"?  You might actually touch it, but then he'd be all, "no, that wasn't it."  It's probably his balls or something you don't even want to touch..

Dictionary Daze

NoMustardOnly thinks there should be some new words added to the dictionary.  These words are:

swert - (v.) to wipe or wash away with disgust.  (ex.) After receiving bukkake, Annie swerted residue from her face, neck and shoulders.

frock - (adj.) being accidentally supplied as a fried item among an array of properly supplied fried items; e.g., fried mushrooms, fried shrimp, french fries, etc.  (ex.) Be careful with that basket of fries, I think I saw a frock shrimp in there somewhere.

porst - (n.) the person with the longest hair in the room.  (ex.) I think I'm going to ask the porst to dance, he is quite beautiful.

bocktend - (v.) to pretend that one isn't pretending.  (ex.) Nobody believed Gary when he bocktended being an elephant, because he was much too small to be an actual elephant.

glope - (n.) a person that understands what it takes to time travel, but won't tell anyone else the trick because they are afraid of destroying the space-time continuum.  (ex.)  For 30 years, Doc Brown was a glope with respect to his discovery of the flux capacitor, until he finally told his secret to Marty McFly in that Twin Pines Mall parking lot in 1985.

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Telling People Something You Don't Want To Tell Them

10) Mumble
9) Be eating
8) Change the subject
7) Turn up the music
6) Pretend that that there actually is a lock on your mouth and that someone really threw away the key
5) Kill them
4) Tell them they don't really want to know
3) Be under water
2) Lie
1) Oh, just fucking tell them

You Didn't Know

This is a section called "You Didn't Know".  Its like a "Did you Know?" section, only we aren't asking.  You definitely don't know this.

Nena - Neun und Neunzig Luftballons

Most people hear this catchy, up-beat pop song and think that the song must be about something fun, like balloons.  These people could not be more wrong.  Directly translated from the native language, Polish, into English, neun und neunzig luftballons means "please let me buy your nutritious bananas."  It is an allegory to the economic crisis that was affecting Warsaw in the 1980's at the time the song was written.  Purchasing bananas, or any fruit, for that matter, during this time would be a treat that only the richest of the rich Polish citizens could afford.  Nena, in singing her requests, is showing her inner child's desire to climb the ranks of the economic classes out of poverty.  Of course, once communism collapsed, the song really lost its meaning and became the popular, happy-go-lucky track that it is today.

Ten Smartest People

10) Ingrid
9) Barney
8) Rufus
7) Beatrice
6) Mandy
5) Amos
4) Wendy
3) Helmut
2) Arthur
1) Me

On This Day In History:

1971:

The House of the Texas legislature shoots down the "Johnson Bill" by a vote of 131-19, allowing women to retain their right to vote. 

NoMustardOnly's Version of The Darwin Awards

For those who don't know, the Darwin Awards go to people who die in the most stupid fashion.  The awards are given out to people who cut off their line of the gene pool early for being idiots.  Here are my winners this year.

Chesterfield, Missouri: A man, attempting to test the durability of a knot he was learning to tie, was found dead hanging by his throat from the knot in his basement.  Apparently, after placing the knot around his neck, he slipped off his stool and couldn't remove himself from the knot, and he suffocated!  Oopsies.

Kokomo, Indiana: A woman was found dead after having consumed a lethal dosage of prescription drugs and alcohol.  I guess no one told this lady, who was suffering from depression at the time, that you shouldn't take wash down 25 Valliums with a fifth of Smirnoff.  Oh darn!

Sheboygan, Wisconsin: A man was driving beyond the speed limit in unfavorable weather conditions.  After losing control of his vehicle, he slammed into an abutment of a highway overpass and became paralyzed.  While in the hospital, the man, now hooked up to a hospital life support system, died when his life support system was unplugged, at his instruction, so that he could charge his iphone.  I guess there's no app for that!

Seattle, Washington: A man was chewing on the end of the barrel of his handgun, when the gun accidentally went off, sending a bullet through his mouth and brain, killing him dead on the spot.  It is unknown why the gun actually went off, but seriously folks, don't try to taste a gun, nothing good can come of it!

Aspen Colorado: A skier avoided all warnings and ventured beyond the legal ski limits, taking her into treacherous territory filled with obstacle.  Halfway down the hill, the woman fell tragically, breaking her leg in 2 places.  72 years later she died of breast cancer.  Idiot!

Feelings

Since blogs are about feelings, here is a list of the top ten feelings.

10) Love
9) Warmth
8) Hope
7) Desire
6) Fear
5) Rampage
4) Pain
3) Having to pee/poo
2) Dizzy
1) Bleeding to death

Ten Ways to Sit

10. Indian style
9. In a chair
8. In a booth
7. Down
6. On your ass
5. Still
4. With an intention to spin (as in sit and spin)
3. At a desk or table
2. In Church after being given permission by the Minister ("you may be seated")
1. In Church whenever the hell you want, if you are old

0. In a corner (This is #0 because that's no way to sit.  In a corner.)

Something to Think About

Do you have to apply to get into clown college?  Is there some kind of clown SATs they have to determine who is more credible for certain clown schools?  Like, the Clown Harvard will only take you if you score 1300 on your Clown SATs or higher, but pretty much anyone can get into Ropers Community Clown College (of course, you only get your associates clown degree).  I bet Bozo went to the Clown Harvard.  I'd kind of be interested in auditing the course that teaches you how to fit so many dudes into a small car.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

I have these black pants that are supposed to be worry-free because they defend against stains.  They cannot stain I guess.  Yeah, because they are BLACK pants. 

You know what I think of when I think about rats? ... Rats, of course.

I saw a homeless guy pushing a shopping cart.  Inside the cart were empty pop cans, an old jacket, a worthless cane, what looked like a rugged, shitty sleeping bag and a fire poker.  No wonder he was homeless.  He buys the stupidest, most worthless shit at the A&P.

Football has a position called Offensive Tackle.  But the whole point of the offense is to not get tackled.  Weird name.  

Time Travelin'

People always talk about how cool it will be to time travel.  But we are already traveling through time, at the rate of one second per second.  I think it would more impressive if we could figure out how to stop traveling through time.  Now that would be a riot.

5 Sexiest Chicks at the Oscars

5) Felicity Huffman - Even when she played that dude who wanted to be a chick, or the other way around, she was smokin' for a pokin'.

4) Coraline - Who's with me in counting the days until she's 18?

3) Glenn Close - When you name your daughter Glenn, you shouldn't be surprised to see her on this list.

2) Sarah Jessica Parker - If 1.5 was a ten, she'd be a ten!

1) Julia Child's Fish

Honorable Mention - I think this is Mickey Rourke.

Stupid Expression Alert

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it must be a duck.  Yeah, no shit. Expression unnecessary.  If it looks like a refrigerator, and keeps shit cold like a refrigerator, its probably a refrigerator.

Something to think about

Sometimes you just don't know what to think about. One feature here at No Mustard Only will be to deliver topics for our readers to think about. Here are some of my own thoughts to help you get going:

I hated Sunkist pop because I could never figure out why it was named that. If it was kissed by the sun, it would be called sun-kissed, but it isn't. Then I realized, it must be that it is the pop that is the most sunk, and I like that.

If life was like Monopoly and had get out of jail free cards, it would probably be illegal to own such cards, and just having them could send you to jail. But then you could just cash in your card and be out free! Fucking government.

I would hate to play kickball in heaven, because I bet whichever team gets Jesus always wins. I'd hate to play kickball in hell too, for that matter, because the ball is probably a bowling ball, first base is a cactus, and the pitcher is always throwing bean balls. Plus your coach is probably a demon and always yelling at you for not hustling, and making you bat ninth in the order. That's why I really enjoy playing kickball here on earth, because I know that once I die my kickball playing days will probably be over.

Ten Menu Items at Flish Segoo's Three Star Restaurant, The Holey Moley

10. Retarded Maine lobsters with yellow carrots, wild turnips & anteater’s blood
9. Farm raised salamander wings glazed with a butternut ashphalt
8. Chilled Dragon claws with correander stems in a cilantro-lime ice jelly
7. Black people's figs with shaved happiness, marcona almonds & toothpaste
6. Kidnapped pheasant children broasted with puffy potatoes and doused with pancreatic fluid
5. Recently raped quail marinated in crocodile tears with New Mexican slaw
4. Delicately removed beef liver tumors with a carmelized onion paste floating in an albatross consomme
3. Whole roasted squab breast with maple leaves and viola strings, breathed on by a newborn baby
2. Siamese twin hippopotamus tail, satsuma with cigar ash, sauternes and pear gravel
1. Snuffleupagus* medallions with truffle oil, crab meat atop a fried bald eagle egg

* Consuming raw or undercooked meats, poultry, seafood, shellfish or eggs may increase your risk of foodborne illness.

Life Lessons

No Mustard Only is about becoming a better person. One feature we'll try to deliver occasionally is Life Lessons, which will be timey advice or insights that you can read to your children to help them become better persons. Today's lesson is about sour grapes:

Sour grapes is an expression describing actions taken by someone that is jealous. I guess they try to convince themselves that they didn't want the object they were trying to get in the first place. It is a completely classless reaction. It is also a delicious flavor of candy. They say when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I think when someone is dishing out sour grapes, you should make some Jolly Joes.

5 Best Commercials from the past

These are 5 commercials that make me immediately say "can I please have your product?"

5) E-trade, aired during the Super Bowl


4) Rally's - I like how happy Seth Green is at the overcharge


3) Commercial for plastic eggs


2) A commercial for... books?


1) Colgate Pump

Unjokes

Here are some unjokes. What is an unjoke? Well, it is a collection of words assembled together in such a way that it appears to be a joke, but lacks the cleverness or humor that jokes typically provide. I hope you unjoy them.

Unjoke #1: Bartender disappoints patrons

A Croation, an Englishman and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartender is a girl, and asks the three men what they would like. The Croation orders a glass of mead. The Englishman orders a pint of ale. The Mexican orders a shot of tequila and a lime. The bartender says, "sorry. We don't sell any mead."

Unjoke #2 - Oprah is no Rosa Parks

Oprah walks onto a bus, but doesn't have the right amount of change for the fare. "Can you break a $100 dollar bill?" She asks the bus driver.
"No," he says, "and I'm sorry but you're going to have to go to the back of the bus."
"Excuse me?" she says with disdain. "I will do no such thing."
"But that is where the coin machine is. You should be able to break your bill back there."
After that, Oprah was red faced with embarrassment.

Unjoke #3 - Riddle me that

Q: What's the difference between a putting green and a woman's asshole?
A: A putting green is for playing golf on, and a woman's asshole is a part of a person's body.

Monsters are not necessarily big

Today, everything "big" is referred to as "Monster." Monster trucks, Monster sized guitar, monster cookie, monster cocks, monster sized nachos, monster mash, "that RV is a Monster", monster movies and even monster dot coms. Why does monster mean big? I guess some monsters can be big, but most are regular sized. At best, they're slightly larger than average, but not indicative of vast hugeness. Vampires, werewolfs, frankenstein-types, and even Cookie Monsters are regular sized. And wasn't Chucky the doll from Child's Play a monster? That fucker was puny. I just don't get it, what's the obsession with hugeness of monsters? It's the same with wizards. Everyone is always assuming wizards are so smart. Always, you hear about really smart people being considered "wizards." Like. "Oh, he's so good at connect four, he's the connect four Wizard." Come on, Wizards are good at magic, but not Connect Four. Unless he wins by moving your black checkers over a column or something because of some amazingly lame magic spell, he's just a smart guy, and probably good at spatial reasoning (or you are an idiot, like, you always play all your checkers on the edges or directly on top of his). But he is not a wizard. If he does move your checkers around and really is a "Connect Four Wizard" then you shouldn't play with him and I'm pretty sure that's against the rules in any event, and you can just move your checkers back to where you put them anyway using your fingers. This is all the same for monsters. Some are big, and some are small, but "monster sized" doesn't mean anything. Remember that movie Little Monsters with Fred Savage? Well it wasn't very good. But the monsters were little, yet they were still monsters. I think if you want something to describe "huge" you should say dinosaur. Those dudes were big. "We're selling Dinosaur 99 inch television sets for only $1599 at ABC Warehouse. Get your ass down here."