Ode To Poems That Don't Rhyme

I hate you, poems that do not rhyme
you are at liberty to say as you please
without alliteration
without reason
authentic chaos
where to end your lines--where to finish stanzas?
who the fuck cares you say
i'll do as i wish and the hell with punctuation
because i am a fucking genius
an entrepreneur of the english vocabulary
a wordsmith
with a thesaurus
i am immune to rhythm... meter...cadence
Emily Goddamn Dickinson
put down your fucking pen
stop wasting your ink
another octopus dies
dictionary sediment
falling into an abyss of empty syllables
vomited from the demon's mouth

Interesting Things About Animals

Lemur Monkeys sometimes have sex with their wives on top of a cactus to keep them safe from predators.

No Rhinoceros has ever been struck by lightning.

The clamping force of an alligator's jaw is enough to break right through bone, wood, even rock.  However, their opening force is so week that if a small bird lands on top of their mouth, they can't even open it.

The reason that dogs bark is because they have an itchy throat.

Birds fly in a "V" formation because it points in the direction that they need to go.  Its how the dumber birds avoid getting lost.

Zebras are considered the funniest in the animal kingdom.  Especially by hyenas.

The male giraffe has breasts and a vagina, and gives birth to babies.  Female giraffes, on the other hand have a penis and it is their sperm that inseminates male giraffes.  Essentially, the male and females of giraffes are exactly the opposite of most other species.

Mermaids use a form of currency that is immune to inflation.

You shouldn't ask an octopus if he plays the drums.  Odds are that he does, but it is still a pretty offensive question.

Australian fruit bats use a high frequency "sonar" to communicate.  This "sonar" is quickly becoming the most effective means for advertising among the fruit bats, second only to billboards.

Unicorns would kill their prey (usually panda bears), eat their fill, which was only a small portion, and then piss on the carcass so that no other animal would be able to eat the remains.  This selfish act is why unicorns were considered one of the most despised in the animal kingdom before becoming extinct over fifty years ago.

Penguin milk is extremely high in fat, cholesterol and sodium.  It even has alcohol in it.  Penguin parents will go to extreme measures to prevent their young from feeding upon it.

Long before the dinosaurs ever came into existence, there roamed the earth a species of "super" dinosaurs.  These creatures were as large as seventy regular dinosaurs and became extinct hundreds of millions of years before the regular dinosaurs existed.  Scientists believed that these "super" dinosaurs only existed on the planet for about six weeks before becoming extinct!

Fish are considered by most to be the most bored animals.

Lizard culinary tactics are the most advanced in the animal kingdom, while pheasant is the cheapest, and thus the most popular.

The reason butterflies never wear pants is because they are hundreds of years out of fashion.

If a wombat has a secret that it should not divulge, it will keep that secret until it dies.  Even advanced forms of torture like water boarding will not get them to reveal it!

Oysters have over 700 words for "pearl."

Unsurprisingly, falcons, eagles and hawks have the most advanced air force in the animal kingdom.  However, you might find it somewhat shocking to hear that the shark navy is a laughing stock.

The very first Easter Bunny was actually a chameleon.

No mountain goat has ever won a head slamming championship in back-to-back seasons.

Most lobsters are assholes.  You shouldn't feel guilty at all about their screaming when you put them in a pot of boiling water.

Most ants do not consider Renaissance art to be all that impressive.  They tend to prefer works from the Baroque period.  Just kidding.  Ants like all art!

Stephen Hawking is an Idiot

Physicist Stephen Hawking does not think time travel to the past  is or ever will be possible.  To test this theory, he conducted an experiment.  He threw a party where only time travelers were invited.  He made an invitation, and supposedly hid the invitation in a spot where only time travelers could find it.  No one came.  He thus theorized it was because time travel to the past will never be possible.  He may be right, but he is a complete idiot for proposing that experiment.  I could have told him right off the bat that no time traveler is going to come to his party.  First, time travelers are probably awesome and have better things to do than to go to some lame ass party with a nerd in a wheel chair.  I can see the decision process right now:

Time traveler #1: Boy, the Boston Tea Party was crazy.  Where should we go now?
Time traveler #2: We should go hear the Gettysburg Address, or go see Julius Caesar get killed.  Oh--we could go to Stephen Hawking's Party.  I just found the invitation in that secret spot.
Time traveler #1: I am not going to that stupid party.  I remember when he threw it.  He had a tv special about it, and no one came.  If we went, we'd be the only ones there, and that would be super lame.

Also, can you believe the audacity of Stephen Hawking to think that people who actually know how to time travel are going to want to come hang out with him?  It would be like a little league football coach throwing a party to discuss football strategies, and inviting all the NFL coaches.  Time travelers already understand how to time travel.  They aren't going to want to waste their time or their plutonium to come hear Steve's stupid theories that are all wrong.  In fact, most time travelers are probably pissed at him, since he said that time travel to the past wasn't possible.  I seriously doubt that Magellan or Columbus would have been eager to attend a party thrown by the President of the Flat Earth Society.

 

Alien girls and idiot Stephen Hawking

The Time We Found A Breast Pump

This rhyming story is: UNTRUE

The mission was to find a breast pump
So we traveled to the West Dump
And found what we thought was the best hump
of trash that would contain a breast pump

After digging through a nest clump
We saw a chubby rodent pest jump
So I said, somewhat in jest, "plump
mice sometimes live in a breast pump"

Sure enough, on a distressed pump-
kin was a discarded breast pump
There were no high fives, just a chest bump
That was the time we found a breast pump

How Long Does It Take You To Put On Your Flip-Flop Shoes?

5 seconds or less?


More than 5 seconds but less than 30 seconds?


More than 30 seconds but less than one minute?


More than 90 seconds?

Top Ten Billboards/Signs on the Highway to Hell

10) Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

9) Last Chance for Dairy Queen: Exit 665

8) Welcome to Hell - Land of 10,000 Lakes of Fire

7)

6)  Killer Bees: Next 1000 miles

5) (even Hell is hurt by the economy)

4) Trenton - 19
    Atlantic City -80
    Hell - 155
(to get to Hell, you got to drive through Jersey)

3)

2) At this exit: Unleaded gas - $15.97 /gallon

1)

Matching Game: Cliche expressions

Match up the first part of the cliche with the appropriate second part.  How many can you get right?  Answers below:

1) Busy as a one legged man...

2) It takes one...

3) Don't pee on my leg...

4) The best thing since...

5) Don't get your panties... 

6) You can't teach an old dog...

7) People who live in glass houses... 

8) That which does not kill you...

9) Ask not what your country can do for you...

10) Early to bed, early to rise...

11) A penny saved is a penny earned...

12) Even the sun shines on a dog's ass...

13) Grass is always greener...

14) A bird in the hand...

15) A snowball's chance...

16) If the shoe fits...

17) If you can't take the heat...

18) Its not over until the fat lady...

19) The more things change...

20) Red sky in the morning, Sailors take warning; red sky at night...

21) He won't buy the cow if...

22) If your friends all jumped off a cliff...

23) Don't count your chickens...

24) When life gives you lemons...

25) You have to break a few eggs...

26) You can lead a horse to water...

A) pulled pork

B) should live in regular houses

C) gets out of the kitchen

D) to finally become a snowman

E) and tell me its raining

F) in hell

G) to know one

H) who would hit the ground first?

I) when you properly water and maintain your lawn

J) from Victoria's Secret.  They are way too expensive

K) organic chemistry

L) give life a barnacle, and say, "what the fuck's with the lemons?"

M) might poop.  be careful.

N) because it is so good looking

O) mount your chickens

P) make sure to try the other shoe to see if it fits too

Q) just bitch about the government

R) the more Jay Leno gets annoying

S) doesn't mean shit, cause everyone dies

T) in an ass kicking contest

U) and a few legs, if you're the egg-makin' leg-breakin' man from Dupage

V) means it's taco night!

W) is everything except one thing

X) then we aren't moving to Venus

Y) he doesn't have a huge fucking truck

Z) and thus is a complete waste of time

ANSWERS
1) Busy as a one legged man... (T) in an ass kicking contest
2) It takes one... (G) to know one
3) Don't pee on my leg... (E) and tell me its raining
4) The best thing since... (A) pulled pork
5) Don't get your panties... (J) from Victoria's Secret.  They are way too expensive 
6) You can't teach an old dog... (k) organic chemistry
7) People who live in glass houses... (B) should live in regular houses
8) That which does not kill you... (W) is everything except one thing
9) Ask not what your country can do for you... (Q) just bitch about the government
10) Early to bed, early to rise... (S) doesn't mean shit, cause everyone dies
11) A penny saved is a penny earned... (Z) and thus is a complete waste of time
12) Even the sun shines on a dog's ass... (N) because it is so good looking
13) Grass is always greener... (I) when you properly water and maintain your lawn
14) A bird in the hand... (M) might poop.  be careful.
15) A snowball's chance... (D) to finally become a snowman
16) If the shoe fits... (P) make sure to try the other shoe to see if it fits too
17) If you can't take the heat... (X) then we aren't moving to Venus
18) Its not over until the fat lady... (C) gets out of the kitchen
19) The more things change... (R) the more Jay Leno gets annoying
20) Red sky in the morning, Sailors take warning; red sky at night... (V) means it's taco night!
21) He won't buy the cow if... (Y) he doesn't have a huge fucking truck
22) If your friends all jumped off a cliff... (H) who would hit the ground first?
23) Don't count your chickens... (O) mount your chickens
24) When life gives you lemons... (L) give life a barnacle and say "what the fucks with the lemons?"
25) You have to break a few eggs... (U) and a few legs, if you're the egg-makin' leg-breakin' man from Dupage
26) You can lead a horse to water... (F) in hell

More Unjokes

Polly Wants a Pecker
A man was on a date with a blind woman.  After the date, the woman brought the man back up to her apartment.  She left him in the living room while she went to the kitchen to pour a couple of drinks, and the man got nude during this time.  When the woman came back into the room, her pet parrot announced "Raw.  He's nude.  Rawww!"  The man was unaware that a parrot even was in the room!


The Wish Fish
A man was fishing in the ocean when he caught a magnificient blue tarpon fish.  As he was about to cut and kill the fish, the fish spoke up.  "Please don't kill me," the fish said, "if you put me back in the water, I'll grant you any wish you want." 
"Whoa!" said the fisherman.  He had never heard a fish talk before.  "Where did you learn to talk?"
"Actually, its a long story, but if you want to put me back and get your wish, you've got to do it soon, I can't breathe outside of water."
"I don't know," the man considered, "I bet talking fish are quite delicious."  By this point, the fish was suffocating immensely.
"Please..." the fish begged.
"Oh, alright fine.  I, umm... I wish I had a million dollars."  The man tossed the fish back into the water.  After the fish caught his breath the fish broke into laughter.  "What kind of idiot believes a fish can grant wishes?" the fish said as he swam away.  The fisherman didn't really care, because he was already a billionaire, and he was just going to give the million dollars to charity, possibly even one for the ethical treatment of fish.  Two days later the fish was eaten by a shark.

Riddles
Q: Why do Chinese people breathe through their noses?
A: Because that is one of two ways humans can take in oxygen.

(Note: the following test the limits of what is an unjoke and an actual real joke)

Q: What were the last words spoken on the Challenger before it blew up?
A: No one knows for sure, but here are some theories:
"Look at this asshole flying on the wrong side of the space-lane... Oh no!"
"Say, do you think dynamite works in space?"
"Hey, McAuliffe, stop pushing buttons"
"Its damn cold in here.  Someone turn up the heat - fast"
"You know what sucks?  Dying."

No Mustard Only On Race

Top Ten Unfair—And Untrue—Racial Stereotypes
10) Asians make fantastic drivers
9) Indians are all allergic to curry
8) White people are capable of the most prolific slam-dunks
7) Jewish people spend money with reckless abandon
6) All Genies live in lamps
5) Native Americans consider it a sin to promote gambling
4) The majority of babies cannot read
3) Germans are offended by David Hasselhoff
2) All Angels are heroin addicts
1) Extremely tall people don't mind when you sit in the exit row on airplanes


Today's topic is all about race.  We here at No Mustard Only are sensitive to race issues, and we would like to talk about the Census form for a minute.   Refer here for guidance if you need to. Are you ready?  Ok.  First, why did the census form first ask me if I was Hispanic, Latino or Spanish (item 8), and then afterward ask me my race (item 9)?  In the second question, neither Hispanic, Latino or Spanish was an option.  How were Hispanic people supposed to answer item number 9?  Are they considered white?  If so, that is HUGE for white people.  I had no idea the white race was so diverse.

And second, with item 9, Why does it say "Black, African Am. or Negro?"  Does this mean those are three separate sub-races, or is it just three names for the same race?  I suppose they want to be sure to include all names for the race, in case there's someone out there that considers themselves a "Negro," for example, but has no idea what "Black" or "African Am." means.  We wouldn't want them confused about what box to check.

Lastly, what is this race referred to as Guamanian or Chamorro?  I've never heard of that.  Is it new?  What are these people like, and more importantly, what are their stereotypes?  Is this race really deserving of its own box?  I mean, couldn't this fall under the "some other race" category?  I think this whole race thing is really ambiguous and not really well defined.  In fact, I was seriously tempted to just check the "some other race" box and put "Michigander" in there.  Why can't that be its own race?

Finally,
I will include one bonus list, also about race

Top Ten Races
10) The Kentucky Derby
9) The Indy 500
8) The Tour de France
7) The Boston Marathon
6) The 2008 Beijing Olympics 400 meter swimming medley relay final
5) The Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race
4) The Amazing Race
3) The Iditarod
2) The 100 meter dash
1) The Human Race

Top Ten Grades I Got In College

10) D+
9) C-
8) C
7) Pass
6) C+
5) B-
4) B
3)B+
2) A-
1) tie A/A+

Top Ten Ways to Transport Things

10. In a bucket
9. In a bag with a hole in it
8. During January
7. Ask someone to kindly do it for you
6. Expeditiously
5. From one shelf to another
4. With a friend
3. On the expressway
2. In a bag with no hole in it
1. Accurately

True or False: People Can Change

False: I used to think that people could change.  You know, like Ebenezer Scrooge, who changes from an old frugal dickhead to a fun-loving old man who throws gold coins everywhere.  But then I realized that was just pure fiction.  I noticed that people are just set in their ways, and that they are just going to act consistent with the way they always would.  If they were good people, they'll stay good people.  If they were dickheads, they'll stay dickheads.  Once a dork, always a dork and so on and so forth.  People are just born a certain way and there's nothing they can do about it to change.  And then I realized... whoa, I just changed myself, by changing my belief in whether people can change or not.  If I could change my opinion on such a core belief, so could anyone.  All it takes is a little inspiration and maybe a visit from some ghosts or something.  Thus I changed back to believing in the fact that people can indeed change.  But hold on a minute.  I then realized that my fundamental basis for believing that people can change, namely that I changed myself by changing my belief that people can change, was in fact a lie.  I hadn't changed.  I had gone right back to the original belief that I had, that people can indeed change.  Because I had demonstrated that I had not changed myself, I realized that people don't really change, they are always the same as they were originally.  Thus, there you have it.  People cannot change, even though I truly believe otherwise.

On this Day in History 1681

On April 7, 1681 Josh Eli the First is elected as the first ever Jewish Pope.

Misquoted Movie Lines

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Kinds of People

Black people, white people,
Heavy people, light people
Day people, night people,
Why do people fight people?

Left people, right people,
Dumb people, bright people,
Loose people, tight people,
Clowns tend to delight people.

Large people, slight people,
Maybe people, might people,
Width people, height people,
Go fly a kite people.

Wrong people, right people,
Sound people, sight people,
Dark people, light people,
Monkeys are not quite people.

Laugh people, fright people,
Talk people, write people,
Sip people, bite people,
Letters to invite people.

Dragon people, knight people,
Sailing people, flight people,
Fairy people, sprite people,
The English are polite people.

There are all kinds of people in this world,
Living together, blended and swirled,
And most of them suck!