The Most Impressive Guy in the World

Inspired by one too many Dos Equis beverages, he is the Most Impressive Guy in the World.

He's made love to more women than all the virgins in the world. Combined!
He's been to Boston, D.C., Louisiana, and almost seven state capitals.
Given a sheet of paper and a pencil, he can spell any word backwards.
He can smoke a carton of cigarettes in a week... or not, he has no addictions.
He knows how to steal a man's identity, but he would never do it.
He can do at least 25 push-ups in a single session.
He never gets bored in church.
He's read over 80 books in his lifetime.  Many of them non-fiction or adult-fiction.
He has excellent hand-writing.
He can tolerate temperatures in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit.
Math?  It's not a problem for him at all. 
He is licensed to operate a half-dozen varieties of paddle boats.
He totally predicted the end to the movie The Usual Suspects.
Also, he's looking for work.  If you are interested in hiring him, email him at mostimpressiveguyintheworld@gmail.com

The Most Impressive Guy in the World

One Hundred Words

Stop prefacing your jokes with the number of words that follow.  For example, when explaining why the Yankees suck, don't say "Two words: Alex Rodriguez."  It is stupid for many reasons.  First, the number of words doesn't ever have any relevance whatsoever unless it is like some sweet number like 8,888 words, or 100 words exactly (like this post).  Also, any intelligent listener can easily discern how many words your answer has, especially when it is only two words.  Finally, aren't you supposed to count the "Two words" part in your answer?  If so, then you're wrong.  Its four words.

She's enjoying it

Top Ten Predictions for Shocking Revelations During the Lost Series Finale

10) Sexual tension between Jack and Hurley rises to uncomfortable levels
9) After years on the island, someone finally takes a leak
8) A guest appearance from the entire cast of Cougar Town
7) Vincent the Dog turns out to be the thing that has been saying "Previously on Lost"
6) Sawyer is abducted by aliens, which starts a new spin-off series: "Lost... In Space"
5) We get a full frontal nude scene of Locke in the wheelchair and that chick from Married with Children
4) Walt dies of old age
3) The Smoke Monster guy gets off the island, but is always really nervous that he's going to be killed.  Tension gets out of control when he listens to "Don't Stop Believing"
2) Kate does something interesting
1) The island actually turns out to have been a peninsula!

No Mustard Only on Helium

Helium is a kind of air that is absolutely useless except for two things.  First, it floats balloons.  Second, it makes your voice hilariously high for about 20 seconds if you inhale it.  That's it.  It doesn't do anything else.  It's not dangerous or vital for life or anything.

This brings me to the next point on Helium.  How do they harness it to put in those tanks they sell to balloon party shops and dentist offices?  Can you make it, or do you have to cultivate it out of thin air, literally?  I can't imagine they actually make it, because that would require some sort of atomic structuring, which, if it is possible, sounds really expensive and dangerous.  So they must just harvest it out of thin air.  But what I don't get is, Helium floats.  It floats like crazy.  If I let a balloon go that is filled with Helium, it will shoot up into the sky.  So how do they filter it out of the air without it just floating upwards?  And, do they have to go way up into the atmosphere to do this?  Because I can't believe that there's any Helium down at eye level, it would just shoot straight up like a balloon.

Last, I think its bullshit that Helium is the no 2 element on the periodic table.  Its like hearing someone say that Bruce Almighty is the second best movie of all time.  It just doesn't seem appropriate.  While I suppose it is true that Helium is the second most abundant element in the universe, (by a lot actually) I still don't think anyone would give a shit if it became extinct.

Ok, that's enough talk about Helium.

On This Day In History, 2008

Taken from the No Mustard Only Newspaper Archives

Old Dawg Learns New Trick (Rio Rancho, NM)

Albuquerque Tribune - Thirteen year old novice magician, Edward Hodgkin of Rio Rancho has learned a new card trick to add to his repertoire, according to sources who claim to be close with Hodgkin's mother.  Edward, who goes by the name of "Old Dawg" while performing, has apparently learned how to identify the card chosen by a volunteer without even looking at the volunteer when choosing the card.  "I selected the nine of diamonds, and sure enough, Edward, err.. Old Dawg smacked the deck on his leg and out fell the nine of diamonds," said the source.  "I was mildly impressed."

Old Dawg has been performing magic for six months and his other tricks include pulling a quarter out of your ear, and making a rubber ball disappear into a plastic cup.  Though he is only thirteen, Old Dawg claims that he is much older in "Dawg" years.

 

Old Dawg

Tribute to the Bic Company

No Mustard Only would like to take a moment to applaud the Bic company, which dabbles in a variety of extremely unrelated products, that are all equally poor in quality.

Would you like to cut the fuck out of your face?  Only want to spend 45 cents to do it?  Then grab a bunch of these:

Who needs 3, 4 or 5 blades when you have a slightly sharpened piece of aluminum?  You can get like 20 of them for $2, and they come in a bag.  That's right, they are razors that come in a bag.  The same kind of bag that cough drops come in.

Next, do you need to write something down?  Do you not need assurance that you'll be able to get more then 2 words out?   Well grab a handful of these for just pennies on the dollar.

 Finally, do you need to light something on fire that is only one millimeter from your thumb?  Then be sure to pick up one of these.

They can occasionally be more convenient than a match.

So thank you Bic company.  When people ask, what do you do, you can say you specialize in shaving, writing and lighting things on fire.  And you've managed to become a master at all three.  Congratulations on successfully flooding the world with three products for over 500 years, or whatever.