More TV Pilots

NBC is currently asking anybody and everybody for ideas for new TV shows. In addition to our previous creations, here are the ideas that we are submitting from no mustard only.

Lester

An antihero drama about a serial rapist. Lester is likeable because he only rapes other rapists. He gets away with it because he works for the Tampa police department as a semen expert.

Evan and Elle 

The show begins as two twins--Evan and Elle--are driving in a car and get in a fatal car wreck. They both die and await judgment in the after life. They are provided attorneys and given a chance to plead their case. Evan ends up getting into Heaven and Elle goes to Hell, but both are very close cases and it makes for a very popular case among all the angels and demons.

After the trial, Evan becomes a public defender for Heaven and Elle becomes the district attorney of Hell. Each episode, they are pitted against each other fighting for and against the salvation of some poor schmuck that just died. It's sort of like a legal procedural drama, but the stakes are way higher, and we get to learn the entire life story of each in 60 minutes. We also get glimpses into the lives of the spoiled Heaven-folk, and the poor souls in Hell that have to show up for mandatory torture rituals every day after lunch.

Jen X 

Thirteen year old Jennifer gives birth to her baby girl Little Jennifer. The grandmother and great grandmother are present. They are both named Jennifer too. Next door in the same hospital, the world's oldest woman (Old Jennifer!) is dying at 117 years old. Non one knows it because there were several intervening adoptions, but Little Jennifer can trace her family line back to Old woman. 

Basically, there are 10 generations of Jennifers that all gave birth at 13 years old.  Little Jennifer the tenth Jennifer, and thus takes the name Jen X. The show chronicles the lives of all 10 Jennifers, mostly through flashbacks.  It is a real feel good story about the power of single teenage moms. There is extra focus about the 39 year old, as she is from "gen x"

Transactions 

A legal drama about a law firm that only handles transnational issues. The show never sees a courtroom.  In one story line, a young associate desperately tries to account last minute for all the assets of a company as part of a huge merger.  In another, an old patent attorney has to call his client with unfortunate news regarding the client's audio cassette technology. And a soon to be made partner notices several critical omissions in a draft contract about his clients construction loan.

The Penises 

A kids cartoon on sprout about a family of cartoon penises named the "Johnsons".  Four year old Willie Johnson is always complaining about the burdens of being a four year old, and his parents (Rod and Phyllus) are always trying to keep him chipper. Posture is a big focus of the show, as the parents are always reminding the kids to stand straight and firm, and not to be limp.  Willie 's 13 year old brother Jimmy is worried about when he will grow, as the kids at school are always making fun of him because he is so small.

The Johnson's neighbors are a family of cartoon backsides named the Butts, and they really don't get along. The Butts are kind of slobs, leaving their trash around and always causing a stink.

Ten Most Interesting Presidential Facts

In lieu of election day, No Mustard Only has dug up some interesting factoids about previous presidents.  Here are the ten true facts we thought were the most interesting:

10) No president has been an only child.
9) Ronald Reagan was ambidextrous.
8) William Henry Harrison basically did absolutely nothing as the president.  He gave one really long speech, and then died.
7) George Washington is the only president who was never in a party.  George W. Bush is the only president who thought he was always at a party.
6) Everyone knows JFK cheated on Jackie-O with Marilyn Monroe, but no one remembers that Marilyn Monroe cheated on JFK with Joe DiMaggio first.
5) Andrew Johnson was impeached because he kept accidentally referring to the United States as "Canada" in his public addresses.
4) Grover Cleveland's high school classmates voted his the "best mustache" in the class of 1855.

3) During his campaign for president in 1984, Walter Mondale's campaign song was "Love Stinks" by Aerosmith or whatever.
2) Richard Nixon admitted to voting for George McGovern in 1972 because he claims that he foresaw the whole Watergate thing coming.
1) Warren G. Harding was the first president elected after the women's suffrage movement gave women the right to vote, but Bill Clinton is the first president elected when women's votes actually counted.

What has two thumbs...?

The Most Insignificant Thing I Do

The most insignificant thing you can do is clip your toenails.  Clipping toenails is so insignificant, that every time I do it, I have no recollection of the previous time I cut my toenails.  And its not like it was even that long ago, maybe a week or so beforehand.  Its just that the event is so inconsequential, so meaningless and so utterly insignificant, that I have absolutely no memory of ever having done it before.  In fact, as I sit here right now, I literally cannot recall ever having clipped my toenails.  I know I've done it, because I own a toenail clipper, and obviously my toenails aren't all super long and curvy like that dude in that book.

You know what else is weird?  That we would write a blog post about an event as insignificant as clipping toenails.

Batman's Top Ten Pet Peeves

10) Robin always smokes in the batcave
9) Moustaches, especially Commissioner Gordon's
8) When kids draw boobs on the bat symbol light
7) Police Officers always get free donuts, Batmen get jack shit
6) When Alfred calls him "Master Bruce" when he's in costume
5) Superman's "Super" farts
4) When the Riddler calls and asks if his refrigerator is running
3) Every time someone calls Batgirl hot, not realizing she's his daughter
2) When he gets an itch underneath the Batsuit
1)  Most Bat Groupies are in their 40's

Television Pilots

Here are some new TV show concepts that No Mustard Only is really jazzed about

The Garies (ABC)
In a world where the "sleep 'n shark" is a popular vacation activity (the sleep n' shark is kind of like a bed and breakfast, only customers are given a nice bedroom room on a boat, and an opportunity to get into a cage and go scuba diving with sharks), the Gary brothers (played by Gary Sinise and Gary Busey), from Gary, Indiana, decide to open their own sleep 'n shark with a twist -- called the "Fart 'n Shark"  As put by Busey's character, Gary (that's right, Gary Gary) "the 'Fart 'n Shark' is to sleep 'n sharks what fast food is to restaurants."  And the Fart 'n Shark is an underwater hotel that requires a submarine to deliver customers to their rooms.  The series will be a drama that focuses primarily on the Gary family and their business.

The Best Cooker (Bravo)
The Best Cooker is an elimination style cooking competition in the same vain as Top Chef.  In this competition, the contestants are faced with challenges that require preparation of store-bought pre-packaged meals using only the ingredients supplied in the package, or called for in the directions written on the package.  For example, the first challenge is to prepare a box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese using only a pot of boiling water, milk, butter and the ingredients in the box... Good Luck!  The show gets a lot of character from the pompous judges who are always yelling at contestants with comments like "this Hot Pocket has too much salt," or "This P.F. Chang's frozen Mongolian beef and broccoli meal needs more pepper," when the contestants are not allowed to use salt or pepper.  When a final loser is determined, the judges tell the booted contestant to "go ahead and get all your shit and get out of here."

2 Gay Guys (CBS)

The network bills this show as "the same kind of show as two and a half men."  The premise is simple: a homosexual couple lives together in a San Francisco apartment, and are constantly engaged in raunchy, obvious jokes, mostly aimed at how much the characters like to have gay sex - both with each other and other men.  In addition to the low-brow humor, the show tries to tackle deeper issues, such as whether it is better to have the bigger penis in a gay relationship, or get to enjoy your partner's larger penis.

WWJD (Fox)
After a botched Apocalypse, the second coming of Jesus Christ is stuck on Earth without anybody knowing his true identity.  After generating some identification paperwork, Christ lands a job as a technician in the audio department for the WWJD radio station in Dubuque, Iowa.  But when a microphone screw-up causes a conversation between Christ and a depressed co-worker to be accidentally broadcast on-air, ratings explode and the radio station offers Christ his own call-in-advice talk show.  In the call-in talk show, Christ doles out advice on the morally correct way to act.  We soon find out that the advice Christ doles out on-air is sometimes inconsistent with the way he actually acts.  The show explores the complicated question, what would Jesus really do.

Silence is Golden (HBO)
A show about a deaf family that cannot speak.  The entire show is in sign-language, designed for the niche-market of deaf people.  Though groundbreaking and acclaimed by critics, the show doesn't get huge ratings show because no one can understand it, but HBO can afford to keep the show on for several seasons because it is cheap to make.  After season one, the show is offered with "open captioning" which is kind of the opposite of closed captioning, I suppose, letting regular people be able to watch the show.  The premise of the show is that the deaf family works as hit men for the mob and have to kill someone in each episode.  There is a lot of sex and nudity.

Ten Classic Lines Actually Spoken in Real Life

10) "Well isn't that the blues" - Ron 1998
9) "I do it.  You do it.  We all do it...  But don't do it" - Monique - 1972
8) "Oh what I wouldn't give for an hour and a half with nothing but a cigar, a glass of cognac and the Guinness Book of World Records" - Carl 2010
7) "If I only had a jackhammer, I probably would have" - Luis 1984
6) "Justice? Ain't no such thing as justice." - Maude 1968
5) "That is for Mr. Grant to decide.  It is his bowel movement." - Norma G. 1943
4) "Of course its invisible.  It's lunch." - Ezzie 2185
3) "'What's the best city in Idaho?  Boi--...  I mean, generosity." - Norma V. 1993
2) "What a shameful thing you have done to this family.  For shame!" - Paul 1791
1) "But I am not Helmut!" - unknown man (but clearly not Helmut) 2005

New Potatoes!

Has anyone tried these New Potatoes yet?  They come in a can, and I guess they have two varieties.  Round and sliced.  I say, its about fucking time.  I was starting to get sick of old, regular potatoes.

Ten Funniest Methods of Payment

10) Bag of jewels
9) Western Union
8) Theft (i.e., no payment)
7) Ski-ball ticket redemption
6) Three easy installments
5) (tie) Food Stamps (for poor pepole)/Regular stamps (for mail)
4) Writing a Check
3) First born child
2) One year of unlimited free Heimlich maneuvers
1) Cash, but always coming up one penny short

No Mustard Only Calls Shenanigans

No Mustard Only calls bullshit on some things

Window treatments.

Bullshit.  You know what is a treatment?  Chemo therapy is a treatment.  Those things on your window are fucking blinds.

"The Addams family started when Uncle Fester farted.  They all became retarded.  The Addams family."

Bullshit.  For one, how can a family begin with a fart?  The only thing that begins with a fart is a bowel movement.  For a family to start that way makes absolutely no sense.  Not to mention that the family had to already have been started by this point, as evidenced by 1) Uncle Fester was already around to make the fart in the first place, and 2) he was called "Uncle" Fester.  See?  The family already was started long before this alleged fart.  Can you imagine how gross of a fart it would have to be though, if the family really was started that way?  If a bald guy farted and out came this giant furrball (Cousin It) and a hand that lives in a box among others?  Totally nasty.  Then, we skip right ahead to them all becoming retarded.  This statement is logically more credible, but far lacking in explanation.  Why?  How?  You don't just "become" retarded.  Was it something in the fart that made them retarded?  Finally we conclude with a nice little summary.  The Addams family.  Finally some sense in an otherwise nonsensical statement.  Why someone would even say the rest of it is beyond me.  

They Grow Up So Slow

So I now have a one week old son, and I can't say that I agree with the popular observation that children "grow up so fast."  I think they grow up really slow.  At best, they grow up at an average speed. 

For example, I saw a mother at the supermarket yesterday talking with someone about her kid.  "He's already 7, can you believe it?" She said.  "Man, they really grow up fast don't they?"

No.  They don't.  It took SEVEN YEARS for him to get to that stage.  Michael Phelps had time to win 14 Olympic gold medals in that time frame, there's been two presidential elections, New Orleans was destroyed and rebuilt, and world peace started and ended in that time (ok - we wish that last one was true).  And the kid is still not even half your size.  They grow up slow.

Ten Best Valentine's Day Candy Sayings

10)  

9)

8)

 
7)

6)

5)












4) the novel series

 

3) naked lady
 

2)

1)

Ten Rejected Las Vegas Casino Ideas

10) The Golden-Brown Nuggett
9) Jarred's Sub-way-land (enjoy free Cold-Cut Combos, Baked Lays and Diet Pepsis at the tables)
8) BVD Grand
7) The Wynn, Dixie (elegance of the Wynn, convenience of the grocery chain)
6) Excalibur (rejected, but they still built it)
5) The Amish-ian
4) My Body, My Choice
3) Tehran, Iran
2) Circus Freaks, Circus Freaks
1) Weezer's Palace

End World Peace!

No Mustard Only would like to welcome all visitors of the End World Peace Blog.   That's right, No Mustard Only has merged with www.endworldpeace.com and will now be delivering occasional content on how we can end the plague that is world peace.

Why end world peace you say?  Because when you have world peace, the good guys are prevented from stopping the bad guys, so evil always wins. 

Join us in helping to END WORLD PEACE!

 

possible new logo of the End World Peace organization

The 5 S's of Baby Relaxation

So last night we watched this video that is supposed to help you get your newborn baby to fall asleep.  The video demonstrates the 5 S's - 5 words that begin with S that describe the things you are supposed to do.  The video was really boring, so I will summarize the 5 S's below, so you don't have to watch the video.

1) Shaking: The function here is that babies don't really know that they are supposed to shut up.  They cry because, well thats basically all they can do.  If you could tell it to stop, it probably would, but they don't understand English yet, so you can't do that.  By shaking the baby, they get the sense that they are really pissing people off, and they might stop.  But remember, always shake your baby front to back, and never side to side. Baby's consider side-to-side shaking to be fun, so they won't get the point. 


2) Screaming (also: Shouting, Scaring, Startling): If shaking your baby doesn't work, then you are supposed to scream at it.  The principal behind this S is that babys are very, very dumb, and thus very bored.  Since they don't understand what is going on around them, the world can be very dull and very depressing.  If you startle your baby by screaming at it, it can provide a very enjoyable surprise, and help calm the baby down.

Demonstrating the "screaming" tactic

3) Slapping, Smacking, and Stabbing: Sometimes the baby forgets that it exists. It can lose a connection with its 5 senses.  By smacking the baby in the face, or stabbing (poking with a finger, never with a knife) the baby in the chest, you provide a friendly reminder that they do exist, and that they are alive.  This comfort can send the baby into a very relaxed sleep.

4) Smoking:  Remember how calming and soothing your first cigarette was?  Well it is almost three times as calming for babies.  If the baby is unable to hold and smoke the cigarette by itself, it is recommended that you blow a large puff of second-hand smoke directly into the babies face.  Remember though, until your baby is satisfactorily breast-feeding full-time, you shouldn't let the baby puff directly on a cigarette (or cigar) - it can lead to bad sucking and latching habits.

Smoking makes babies happy

5) Shock: This is only to be used as a last resort, if your baby really won't shut up after the first four S's.   Get a pair of jumper cables.  Hook the positive (red) node to your baby's right nipple, and the negative (black) node to the baby's left foot.  If the baby doesn't have a left foot, just clamp to the babies calf, thigh or stump.  After hooking the other end of the cable up to the battery of a running vehicle, a 12 volt charge of good old-fashioned e-lec-tricity will pump through your child, soothing the nerves, easing the pain, and totally relaxing him or her.  Note - be careful not to leave the baby clamped for too long, or you may deplete the power on your car battery and be unable to start your car.

No Mustard Only Does It:

There are some hilarious shirts out there that insinuate sexual connotations involved with certain occupational tasks.  For instance, "Bus drivers do it in transit," and "Dentists do it orally" - Check them out here.  Anyhow, here are a few No Mustard Only originals:

Fisherman do it in a boat
Barbers like it hairy
Trapeze people do it in the air
Investors do it "on the floor"

Construction workers do it with a guy jacking his hammer in the corner

Lawyers do it with a cock ring
Engineers do it up the ass
Doctors do it with an octopus present

Tiger Woods does it with 18 holes a day

Butchers do it with their wives, if their wives take a shower first

Gelato store owners do it using tantric methods, like Sting

Teachers do it with a Dr. Seuss book between their but cheeks
Actors do it and never wear condoms! 

Popes do it seldom

Ventriloquists do it with their arm so far up a cartoon's ass that the cartoon can taste fingers!

No Mustard Only Calls Shenanigans: Biz Markie

No Mustard Only will acknowledge that it is possible that Mr. Markie had a friend named "Jack," and it is also likely that he was pals with a "Jermaine."  We seriously doubt, however, that he had a friend named "Agnes," or that he knew anyone named "Agatha."  At best, he knew one of these people, but he most certainly didn't have two separate friends named Agnes and Agatha.  What probably happened was that old Biz probably needed a couple names to finish the lyric, so he flipped to page 3 of some book of baby-girl names (the AG--- section) and grabbed the first two he saw. 

Biz Markie doesn't know anyone named
"Agnes" or "Agatha" (and that's a fact)

The Most Impressive Guy in the World

Inspired by one too many Dos Equis beverages, he is the Most Impressive Guy in the World.

He's made love to more women than all the virgins in the world. Combined!
He's been to Boston, D.C., Louisiana, and almost seven state capitals.
Given a sheet of paper and a pencil, he can spell any word backwards.
He can smoke a carton of cigarettes in a week... or not, he has no addictions.
He knows how to steal a man's identity, but he would never do it.
He can do at least 25 push-ups in a single session.
He never gets bored in church.
He's read over 80 books in his lifetime.  Many of them non-fiction or adult-fiction.
He has excellent hand-writing.
He can tolerate temperatures in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit.
Math?  It's not a problem for him at all. 
He is licensed to operate a half-dozen varieties of paddle boats.
He totally predicted the end to the movie The Usual Suspects.
Also, he's looking for work.  If you are interested in hiring him, email him at mostimpressiveguyintheworld@gmail.com

The Most Impressive Guy in the World

One Hundred Words

Stop prefacing your jokes with the number of words that follow.  For example, when explaining why the Yankees suck, don't say "Two words: Alex Rodriguez."  It is stupid for many reasons.  First, the number of words doesn't ever have any relevance whatsoever unless it is like some sweet number like 8,888 words, or 100 words exactly (like this post).  Also, any intelligent listener can easily discern how many words your answer has, especially when it is only two words.  Finally, aren't you supposed to count the "Two words" part in your answer?  If so, then you're wrong.  Its four words.

She's enjoying it

Top Ten Predictions for Shocking Revelations During the Lost Series Finale

10) Sexual tension between Jack and Hurley rises to uncomfortable levels
9) After years on the island, someone finally takes a leak
8) A guest appearance from the entire cast of Cougar Town
7) Vincent the Dog turns out to be the thing that has been saying "Previously on Lost"
6) Sawyer is abducted by aliens, which starts a new spin-off series: "Lost... In Space"
5) We get a full frontal nude scene of Locke in the wheelchair and that chick from Married with Children
4) Walt dies of old age
3) The Smoke Monster guy gets off the island, but is always really nervous that he's going to be killed.  Tension gets out of control when he listens to "Don't Stop Believing"
2) Kate does something interesting
1) The island actually turns out to have been a peninsula!