Mitch Albom's Brainstorming Notes For His Next Novel

The greatest present I will ever receive: True Love

A witty old woman captures our hearts and then dies of breast cancer

A rich white boy meets an african-american lad from a bad neighborhood and forms a lifelong friendship

Thursdays with Oprah

My dog was a real devil growing up, but I sure loved him, and when he died, we were all really sad

After a man's daughter has a stroke, we learn valuable lessons from her while she is in a coma

A pretty child makes fun of a classmate for being fat, but when the classmate dies her spirit visits the pretty child and provides a deeper appreciation for being nice to other people

A story that isn't about the power of the human spirit

A man drinks and drives and kills two teens, and then learns lessons from the victim's family because they are such good people

True or False: We should care about endangered species

False:  If a species is gonna go out, its gonna go out.  Its not like it hasn't happened before, lest we forget dinosaurs, saber-tooth tigers and other things with sabers for teeth.  Sure, people say that humans are causing species to become extinct, and if it weren't for people there wouldn't be a problem.  But everything that goes extinct goes extinct because of something.  Dinosaurs went out because of that thing that made them extinct.  Same with mammoths.  Animal groups always insist that we'll be so sad once these animals are gone.  But I say we're missing out right now by not knowing what its like to live in a world without these endangered animals.  Don't you wonder what it would be like if there were no crocodiles?  I thought so.  Also, by the time they actually make it to complete extinction, I'm sure science will figure out a way to produce them anyway.  Don't get me wrong, I don't care if people become extinct either.  Unless it happens in the next 70 years or so, or unless reincarnation turns out to be true, which the Bible says is very unlikely.  So I'm gonna roll out my panda bearskin rug, fry up my bald eagle wings, and bathe in warm whale oil, because what the hell, I deserve it. 

Ten Least Popular Dog Names (that should be popular)

10) McEntire
9) Dr. Dogsworth
8) Your Honor
7) St. Ed
6) Grandpa 2
5) Nebuchadnezzar
4) Four-eyes
3) Claudia & Chuck (for one dog)
2) Osama bin-barkin'
1) My Accountant

Bonus List: Ten Least Useful Abilities/Skills
10) ability to die on command
9) knack for handling false alarms
8) distance-pissing
7) ability to hit foul balls
6) fire eating
5) ability to read minds only in Braille
4) ability to predict the past
3) anything David Blaine does
2) ability to count to ten really fast
1) knowing exactly when to pour water on pavement

Stupid Laws

We've all heard ones like these before.  You know, stupid rules like how, in Oklahoma, it is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo and stuff like that.  Well here are some more you probably didn't know about.

In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, its against the law to have more than two religious ceremonies involving human sacrifice per month.

In Reno, Nevada, it is not acceptable to attempt to use semen as a substitute for chips in a gambling-casino.

In Biloxi, Mississippi, it is illegal for all people named "Gary Gackelstein" to drive their automobiles in excess of 70 miles per hour.

In Detroit, Michigan, one cannot address an African American as an [N-word] without expecting to get their ass kicked.

In Salem, Oregon, it is against the law to have sex with any animal that is not your pet.

In Dayton, Ohio, it is forbidden to murder a good-looking woman and use her skin to make and sell umbrellas.

In Hartford, Connecticut, a citizen is considered "out" if he swings and misses with 2 strikes.

In Lubbock, Texas, one should not refer to a vegetable as a "turnip" unless he or she is referring to an actual turnip.

In Los Angeles, California, it is allowed for former NFL players that are also actors to kill their ex-wives and other visitors if a knife is used.

In Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to and molest children with.

Something to Think About

I like to call people dipshits, but what does that mean exactly?  Is it really an insult?  I don't think it means anything.  Neither does fuck face, ass clown, fart knocker or pecker wood.  If I had to guess at each of these terms, I would say a dip shit is a piece of stool that has been preserved, or coated in some way.  A fuck face is a facial expression worn by one engaged in the act of coitus.  An ass clown would be an entertainer that wears make up, large shoes, has a red nose and disproportionately large buttocks.  A fart knocker would be an individual that announces his presence at a doorway by flatulating.  And pecker wood might be a board, or a plank set up in an outdoor environment by a bird enthusiast to provide a training facility for young woodpeckers (Don't you think a really cool urban/sidewalk coffee place name would be the Peckerwood Cafe?). Anyway, none of these things are really all that insulting.  They just sound silly.  You might as well just call me a barf hero, or a piss follower.  How about, instead of dipshit, we say hip skip.  Instead of fuck face, we say fun face.  Ass clown - class clown.  Fart knocker - Heart stopper.  And instead of pecker wood, checkersgood (he's good at checkers). 


There is a sprinkler head in my office.  It is silver, and etched into it are the words "DO NOT PAINT."  Fuck that.  I like painting.

I don't like mittens because they take away the possibility to give a thumbs up.  Even if you gave something a thumbs up, people would just think you were wearin' mittens.  On the other side of the fence, some people might think you're giving everything a thumbs up and form weird opinions of you.  "What are you so pleased about?  It's bloody cold out here."  Also, it is difficult to point with any accuracy.


If you stacked all the Styrofoam cups used in America in a single year, one on top of each other, you would be exceptionally good at stacking Styrofoam cups, and it would have to be not very windy.

More Unjokes

Little Johnny was sitting in the class one morning when the teacher asked, "if you have six apples, and I take away two apples, how many apples do you have left?"  Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher called on Suzy.
"You'd have four apples left, Miss Spencer," Suzy said.
"That's correct," said the teacher.  But little Johnny was pissed because he had a hilarious response for the teacher that had something to do with the teacher having small tits.

Q: What do you get when you cross a unicorn with an overweight pirate?
A: An awkward conversation about health care legislation.

Five teenage chameleons were sitting around a campfire discussing how difficult it is to change colors in different seasons.  "I think it's hardest in the winter," said the first chameleon, "It's just so cold, and being cold-blooded, its difficult to get the color changing juices flowing."  The second chameleon pulled out a rifle and shot the first chameleon in the head.  He then shot the third chameleon for good measure, but I think he survived.  The remaining chameleons disbursed, grateful they no longer had to have a boring conversation about changing colors and the seasons.

Some quick "your mother" unjokes
Your mother is so fat that she intends to go on a diet.
Your mother is so poor that she is on welfare, and is struggling to make rent this month.
Your mother is so dirty that she requires 2 or 3 showers to completely get rid of all the dirt off her body.
Your mother is so ugly that 9 out of 10 men find her unattractive.
Your mother is so stupid that she cannot even name more than ten state capitals.

No Mustard Only On...

On French Kissing:
Of course the most pussy way to kiss is called French kissing.  Real kissing, aka Belarusian kissing, is like French kissing, only using teeth instead of tongue.

On Leap Year:
Instead of adding one day every 4 years they should just wait  1460 years and add an entire year.

On Babies:
I've noticed that most newborn babies look to be incredibly bored. But that is directly because they are sooooo stupid.  If they could figure out how to do anything, well, they might have something to do.

On Shit Hitting the Fan:
Just nobody shit near a fan.  Especially don't shit above a fan that is on.  Ok?  Christ.

On Pulling Out of Iraq:
Haven't we learned by now that pulling out isn't going to prevent anything?

True or False: You Can't Touch This

Another segment at NoMustardOnly is true or false.  Its like Ripley's Believe it or not.  We'll present you with a statement, and then follow up with whether it is true or not.  Today's statement: You Can't Touch This


True: You can't.  Not when Hammer won't tell you what "this" is.  How the hell are you supposed to touch an unknown "this"?  You might actually touch it, but then he'd be all, "no, that wasn't it."  It's probably his balls or something you don't even want to touch..

Dictionary Daze

NoMustardOnly thinks there should be some new words added to the dictionary.  These words are:

swert - (v.) to wipe or wash away with disgust.  (ex.) After receiving bukkake, Annie swerted residue from her face, neck and shoulders.

frock - (adj.) being accidentally supplied as a fried item among an array of properly supplied fried items; e.g., fried mushrooms, fried shrimp, french fries, etc.  (ex.) Be careful with that basket of fries, I think I saw a frock shrimp in there somewhere.

porst - (n.) the person with the longest hair in the room.  (ex.) I think I'm going to ask the porst to dance, he is quite beautiful.

bocktend - (v.) to pretend that one isn't pretending.  (ex.) Nobody believed Gary when he bocktended being an elephant, because he was much too small to be an actual elephant.

glope - (n.) a person that understands what it takes to time travel, but won't tell anyone else the trick because they are afraid of destroying the space-time continuum.  (ex.)  For 30 years, Doc Brown was a glope with respect to his discovery of the flux capacitor, until he finally told his secret to Marty McFly in that Twin Pines Mall parking lot in 1985.

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Telling People Something You Don't Want To Tell Them

10) Mumble
9) Be eating
8) Change the subject
7) Turn up the music
6) Pretend that that there actually is a lock on your mouth and that someone really threw away the key
5) Kill them
4) Tell them they don't really want to know
3) Be under water
2) Lie
1) Oh, just fucking tell them

You Didn't Know

This is a section called "You Didn't Know".  Its like a "Did you Know?" section, only we aren't asking.  You definitely don't know this.

Nena - Neun und Neunzig Luftballons

Most people hear this catchy, up-beat pop song and think that the song must be about something fun, like balloons.  These people could not be more wrong.  Directly translated from the native language, Polish, into English, neun und neunzig luftballons means "please let me buy your nutritious bananas."  It is an allegory to the economic crisis that was affecting Warsaw in the 1980's at the time the song was written.  Purchasing bananas, or any fruit, for that matter, during this time would be a treat that only the richest of the rich Polish citizens could afford.  Nena, in singing her requests, is showing her inner child's desire to climb the ranks of the economic classes out of poverty.  Of course, once communism collapsed, the song really lost its meaning and became the popular, happy-go-lucky track that it is today.

Ten Smartest People

10) Ingrid
9) Barney
8) Rufus
7) Beatrice
6) Mandy
5) Amos
4) Wendy
3) Helmut
2) Arthur
1) Me

On This Day In History:

1971:

The House of the Texas legislature shoots down the "Johnson Bill" by a vote of 131-19, allowing women to retain their right to vote. 

NoMustardOnly's Version of The Darwin Awards

For those who don't know, the Darwin Awards go to people who die in the most stupid fashion.  The awards are given out to people who cut off their line of the gene pool early for being idiots.  Here are my winners this year.

Chesterfield, Missouri: A man, attempting to test the durability of a knot he was learning to tie, was found dead hanging by his throat from the knot in his basement.  Apparently, after placing the knot around his neck, he slipped off his stool and couldn't remove himself from the knot, and he suffocated!  Oopsies.

Kokomo, Indiana: A woman was found dead after having consumed a lethal dosage of prescription drugs and alcohol.  I guess no one told this lady, who was suffering from depression at the time, that you shouldn't take wash down 25 Valliums with a fifth of Smirnoff.  Oh darn!

Sheboygan, Wisconsin: A man was driving beyond the speed limit in unfavorable weather conditions.  After losing control of his vehicle, he slammed into an abutment of a highway overpass and became paralyzed.  While in the hospital, the man, now hooked up to a hospital life support system, died when his life support system was unplugged, at his instruction, so that he could charge his iphone.  I guess there's no app for that!

Seattle, Washington: A man was chewing on the end of the barrel of his handgun, when the gun accidentally went off, sending a bullet through his mouth and brain, killing him dead on the spot.  It is unknown why the gun actually went off, but seriously folks, don't try to taste a gun, nothing good can come of it!

Aspen Colorado: A skier avoided all warnings and ventured beyond the legal ski limits, taking her into treacherous territory filled with obstacle.  Halfway down the hill, the woman fell tragically, breaking her leg in 2 places.  72 years later she died of breast cancer.  Idiot!

Feelings

Since blogs are about feelings, here is a list of the top ten feelings.

10) Love
9) Warmth
8) Hope
7) Desire
6) Fear
5) Rampage
4) Pain
3) Having to pee/poo
2) Dizzy
1) Bleeding to death

Ten Ways to Sit

10. Indian style
9. In a chair
8. In a booth
7. Down
6. On your ass
5. Still
4. With an intention to spin (as in sit and spin)
3. At a desk or table
2. In Church after being given permission by the Minister ("you may be seated")
1. In Church whenever the hell you want, if you are old

0. In a corner (This is #0 because that's no way to sit.  In a corner.)

Something to Think About

Do you have to apply to get into clown college?  Is there some kind of clown SATs they have to determine who is more credible for certain clown schools?  Like, the Clown Harvard will only take you if you score 1300 on your Clown SATs or higher, but pretty much anyone can get into Ropers Community Clown College (of course, you only get your associates clown degree).  I bet Bozo went to the Clown Harvard.  I'd kind of be interested in auditing the course that teaches you how to fit so many dudes into a small car.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

I have these black pants that are supposed to be worry-free because they defend against stains.  They cannot stain I guess.  Yeah, because they are BLACK pants. 

You know what I think of when I think about rats? ... Rats, of course.

I saw a homeless guy pushing a shopping cart.  Inside the cart were empty pop cans, an old jacket, a worthless cane, what looked like a rugged, shitty sleeping bag and a fire poker.  No wonder he was homeless.  He buys the stupidest, most worthless shit at the A&P.

Football has a position called Offensive Tackle.  But the whole point of the offense is to not get tackled.  Weird name.  

Time Travelin'

People always talk about how cool it will be to time travel.  But we are already traveling through time, at the rate of one second per second.  I think it would more impressive if we could figure out how to stop traveling through time.  Now that would be a riot.

5 Sexiest Chicks at the Oscars

5) Felicity Huffman - Even when she played that dude who wanted to be a chick, or the other way around, she was smokin' for a pokin'.

4) Coraline - Who's with me in counting the days until she's 18?

3) Glenn Close - When you name your daughter Glenn, you shouldn't be surprised to see her on this list.

2) Sarah Jessica Parker - If 1.5 was a ten, she'd be a ten!

1) Julia Child's Fish

Honorable Mention - I think this is Mickey Rourke.

Stupid Expression Alert

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it must be a duck.  Yeah, no shit. Expression unnecessary.  If it looks like a refrigerator, and keeps shit cold like a refrigerator, its probably a refrigerator.

Something to think about

Sometimes you just don't know what to think about. One feature here at No Mustard Only will be to deliver topics for our readers to think about. Here are some of my own thoughts to help you get going:

I hated Sunkist pop because I could never figure out why it was named that. If it was kissed by the sun, it would be called sun-kissed, but it isn't. Then I realized, it must be that it is the pop that is the most sunk, and I like that.

If life was like Monopoly and had get out of jail free cards, it would probably be illegal to own such cards, and just having them could send you to jail. But then you could just cash in your card and be out free! Fucking government.

I would hate to play kickball in heaven, because I bet whichever team gets Jesus always wins. I'd hate to play kickball in hell too, for that matter, because the ball is probably a bowling ball, first base is a cactus, and the pitcher is always throwing bean balls. Plus your coach is probably a demon and always yelling at you for not hustling, and making you bat ninth in the order. That's why I really enjoy playing kickball here on earth, because I know that once I die my kickball playing days will probably be over.

Ten Menu Items at Flish Segoo's Three Star Restaurant, The Holey Moley

10. Retarded Maine lobsters with yellow carrots, wild turnips & anteater’s blood
9. Farm raised salamander wings glazed with a butternut ashphalt
8. Chilled Dragon claws with correander stems in a cilantro-lime ice jelly
7. Black people's figs with shaved happiness, marcona almonds & toothpaste
6. Kidnapped pheasant children broasted with puffy potatoes and doused with pancreatic fluid
5. Recently raped quail marinated in crocodile tears with New Mexican slaw
4. Delicately removed beef liver tumors with a carmelized onion paste floating in an albatross consomme
3. Whole roasted squab breast with maple leaves and viola strings, breathed on by a newborn baby
2. Siamese twin hippopotamus tail, satsuma with cigar ash, sauternes and pear gravel
1. Snuffleupagus* medallions with truffle oil, crab meat atop a fried bald eagle egg

* Consuming raw or undercooked meats, poultry, seafood, shellfish or eggs may increase your risk of foodborne illness.

Life Lessons

No Mustard Only is about becoming a better person. One feature we'll try to deliver occasionally is Life Lessons, which will be timey advice or insights that you can read to your children to help them become better persons. Today's lesson is about sour grapes:

Sour grapes is an expression describing actions taken by someone that is jealous. I guess they try to convince themselves that they didn't want the object they were trying to get in the first place. It is a completely classless reaction. It is also a delicious flavor of candy. They say when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I think when someone is dishing out sour grapes, you should make some Jolly Joes.

5 Best Commercials from the past

These are 5 commercials that make me immediately say "can I please have your product?"

5) E-trade, aired during the Super Bowl


4) Rally's - I like how happy Seth Green is at the overcharge


3) Commercial for plastic eggs


2) A commercial for... books?


1) Colgate Pump

Unjokes

Here are some unjokes. What is an unjoke? Well, it is a collection of words assembled together in such a way that it appears to be a joke, but lacks the cleverness or humor that jokes typically provide. I hope you unjoy them.

Unjoke #1: Bartender disappoints patrons

A Croation, an Englishman and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartender is a girl, and asks the three men what they would like. The Croation orders a glass of mead. The Englishman orders a pint of ale. The Mexican orders a shot of tequila and a lime. The bartender says, "sorry. We don't sell any mead."

Unjoke #2 - Oprah is no Rosa Parks

Oprah walks onto a bus, but doesn't have the right amount of change for the fare. "Can you break a $100 dollar bill?" She asks the bus driver.
"No," he says, "and I'm sorry but you're going to have to go to the back of the bus."
"Excuse me?" she says with disdain. "I will do no such thing."
"But that is where the coin machine is. You should be able to break your bill back there."
After that, Oprah was red faced with embarrassment.

Unjoke #3 - Riddle me that

Q: What's the difference between a putting green and a woman's asshole?
A: A putting green is for playing golf on, and a woman's asshole is a part of a person's body.

Monsters are not necessarily big

Today, everything "big" is referred to as "Monster." Monster trucks, Monster sized guitar, monster cookie, monster cocks, monster sized nachos, monster mash, "that RV is a Monster", monster movies and even monster dot coms. Why does monster mean big? I guess some monsters can be big, but most are regular sized. At best, they're slightly larger than average, but not indicative of vast hugeness. Vampires, werewolfs, frankenstein-types, and even Cookie Monsters are regular sized. And wasn't Chucky the doll from Child's Play a monster? That fucker was puny. I just don't get it, what's the obsession with hugeness of monsters? It's the same with wizards. Everyone is always assuming wizards are so smart. Always, you hear about really smart people being considered "wizards." Like. "Oh, he's so good at connect four, he's the connect four Wizard." Come on, Wizards are good at magic, but not Connect Four. Unless he wins by moving your black checkers over a column or something because of some amazingly lame magic spell, he's just a smart guy, and probably good at spatial reasoning (or you are an idiot, like, you always play all your checkers on the edges or directly on top of his). But he is not a wizard. If he does move your checkers around and really is a "Connect Four Wizard" then you shouldn't play with him and I'm pretty sure that's against the rules in any event, and you can just move your checkers back to where you put them anyway using your fingers. This is all the same for monsters. Some are big, and some are small, but "monster sized" doesn't mean anything. Remember that movie Little Monsters with Fred Savage? Well it wasn't very good. But the monsters were little, yet they were still monsters. I think if you want something to describe "huge" you should say dinosaur. Those dudes were big. "We're selling Dinosaur 99 inch television sets for only $1599 at ABC Warehouse. Get your ass down here."

Top Ten Headlines of All Time

10. AFTER BEING GONE FOR MONTHS, COLUMBUS PRESUMED FALLEN OFF EDGE OF WORLD (1493)
9. MARIE ANTOINETTE PERMITS CONSUMPTION OF CAKE (1791)
8. CRAZY GUY WITH A FLAG WINDS UP ON THE MOON (1969)
7. ACHILLES DIES IN BATTLE. TAKES ARROW TO HEEL, OF ALL PLACES (1193 B.C.)
6. GRAVITY FINALLY DISCOVERED (1666)
5. BOSTON TEA PARTY WAS AN AWFUL PARTY, AND A TERRIBLE WASTE OF TEA (1773 Op-Ed)
4. MOZART WINS KIDS CHOICE AWARD FOR BEST NEW ARTIST (1777)
3. FOZZY, THE LAST WOOLLY MAMMOTH, DIES OF HEART COMPLICATIONS (9859 B.C)
2. ECONOMY IN AMAZING SHAPE. DEPRESSION VERY UNLIKELY (October, 1929)
1. SLAVERY CANCELED (1865)

What is No Mustard Only?

No Mustard Only is a way to order shit. Its what you say when you'd like everything but mustard. See, "no mustard" is the "only" thing you want to put in the "no" category, so you therefore submit to having everything else on your order. Frankly, this is not any way to order something in the real world. Sure, you save a few calories by taking out the mustard, and perhaps you don't even like the taste of mustard anyway, the tangy yellow flavor that draws out the salty smokiness of meats and cheeses. Fine. But it also means you get everything else on it. Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, avacados, and pepper. You also get everything else, like worcestershire, cumin, onions and parsley. I mean everything! Tires, apples, flutes, lightning and Dartmouth. Dartmouth! A whole fucking college! You want that on your sandwich? Nope. So don't ask for no mustard only.

The number 3

I'm new to blogs. I used to have a website. The website was called www.nomustardonly.com. It had links to various sections. One of the sections was about funny rape stories. It was an attempt to show that rape can sometimes be funny. The section was a failure. Rape, it turns out, is hardly ever funny. I am going to put some of the things from those pages, rape tales aside, into this blog. Here is my first entry, about the number 3. It is pretty much true.

3 is the best number. All my life I’ve loved the number 3. I remember, when I was 3, my father asked me what my favorite number was. His was 84 or some stupid number like that with two digits. I told him mine was 3. “Of course,” he said, “since you are 3. When you are four, I’ll bet your favorite number will be 4.”
“I disagree,” I replied. “I am not so very fond of the number 4.” In all honesty, I think I have always been jealous of 4, seeing as it is forever one higher than 3. “Plus,” I continued, “I rather enjoyed 3 even when I was two.” I was probably full of shit, but I said it anyway. Later that night we had pot roast.
There was a time, when I was seven or so, when 7 almost became my favorite number. It never quite made it, though, and has always remained my second favorite number. 3 and 7 are the only numbers I even bother to rank. Except for 6. I hate 6, and rank it 50th. It sucks. People are always like, “You should like 6 if you like 3, because 3 times 2 is 6.” Fuck that. That is no reason to like a number. I mean, shit, tons of numbers are 3 times something. I hate 6 so much that I almost hated all numbers with 6 in it, like 16 and 65. But that would be taking it too far. Plus, what would I do with 63? The worst year of my life was when I was six. One time when I was six I fell down the stairs, and then got the flu I think. The only good thing that happened when I was 6 was Columbus Day, and by then I was practically seven anyway. I was the last kid in class to be six years old, so when I turned seven, I was so happy that I almost liked 7 as much as 3.
It’s been said that if I like 3, I should like 33, and really love 333,333,333. Those numbers are great, and I’m always excited when I come across them, but I don’t love them like I do regular 3. I think it might be like a 3 overdose or something. And I’ve heard shit from people that say “3 is really just 8 with most of its left half gone.” True, but 8 is cool, and the left is the shittiest part of the 8 anyway. The reason I love 3 so much is because nearly everything would be better if you had 3 of them. Imagine if you had 3 legs. You could run as fast as you can, and still be able to kick shit. You’d rule at soccer, Twister, and, more likely for you, tap dancing (you goddamn pussy). Or, imagine if you had 3 Porsches. How fucking sweet would that be? Just about the only thing I can think of that it isn’t better for you to have 3 of is ears. You know, for hearing. It wouldn’t really help you much, plus, where would they put it? On your forehead? You’d look retarded. It would be like one of those dudes on those sob-story circus-weirdo shows on the discovery channel that are always called something like “I am not a freak.” Yeah you are. You’ve got a fucking ear coming out of your forehead!

Penis Party

I wrote this poem last night while I was brushing my teeth. It isn't true or anything.

My penis had a party, with everyone invited
My mom brought 7 layer dip, we all were so excited
There were streamers laid round everywhere, and fireworks ignited
It's being thrown again next year, its already decided.

My penis had a party, the guests were all delighted
Everybody celebrated and nobody fighted
No one was arrested, no one was indicted
Long lost friends and relatives were kindly re-united

My penis had a party, even Tiger Woods was sighted
"tis the best party I've ever been" one of the guests recited
The fun was shared by everyone, the love rampant and requited
You should plan to come next year, you're cordially invited